The Day After Christmas

I've shared this story the past couple of years on this day - for those who are struggling with depression, feelings of inadequacy, or who are wondering how to go on. I don't share for sympathy or attention; I share for my own healing and to bring hope to others. If you are in your feelings today, you are not alone.
On this day 33 years ago, I was enjoying the day with my cousins at Grandma and Papa's house. Grandma always made the best things at Christmas - she was a genius in the kitchen, and her homemade gingerbread houses were beautiful (she made the whole thing from scratch). She always had lots of veggies from her garden that she'd canned herself, pumpkin and pecan pies, pumpkin bread, and the best candies. We kids had the important job of dipping candies in chocolate; I loved that candy and the fun of helping to make it. When the day was done and my dad arrived to pick me up, Grandma insisted on sending a big bag of food home with me, even though I told her I wouldn't be allowed to eat it. At home, I was nearly starved & never allowed to eat with the family or have hot food or sweets. I got in the car, immediately apologizing for the goodies and telling my dad I knew I couldn't have them, but I helped make them, and I hoped he and Nancy (his wife)would enjoy them. Then I waited for the anger I knew would come.

It didn't. With what sounded like no emotion, he said, "Well, you can take them to your new home, because you won't be living with me any more." And then he pulled out of the driveway of the one place I felt safe and loved. I'm sure he said other things, sure there were explanations and instructions, but I don't remember anything he said after that sentence. I couldn't understand what I'd done to make him not want me, I'd tried so hard to follow Nancy's rules and be good. I felt like I must be the most awful seven-year-old in the world to make him send me away. I didn't know why he wouldn't just let me live with Grandma and Papa, since he obviously didn't want me and they did. I couldn't fathom what I'd done to make him and Nancy do this, just two years after my mom had died.
Christmas was never the same for me after that. When my grandparents died in late October 9 years later, I stopped caring about the holidays altogether. Once I had my own kids, I knew that had to change and made sure to always give them the best happy holiday memories I could, focusing on their happiness to drown out my own negativity. Some years, I'm more successful than others. Some years, I almost forget the pain and actually enjoy the amazing gift of family I now have. Other years, like this year, the memories of my painful past refuse to fade, blanketing every happy moment with sadness and overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and loss. This year is especially rough, knowing that my last strong connection to my bio family died with Mom (she was his oldest sister). Every day I have to deliberately choose to get out of bed, wear clean clothes, and do anything other than stay in bed reading all day and all night. When I cry, the tears come out of nowhere and I can't stop. My nerves are frayed, my shoulders tense, my heart heavy, and my mind preoccupied.
If you have friends dealing with depression this holiday season, I hope my own experiences can give you insight into why they may not be able to get over it, why the holidays can bring so much pain even many years after tragedy. You can't fix it, can't make the pain go away, but you can help. Be kind, be patient. Bring the joyful moments that ease the oppressive pain, even if the relief is only temporary. Smile, laugh, enjoy things in front of us. Trust me, seeing you sad because of us just makes us feel worse.
If you are struggling as I am, know that you aren't alone. Practice self-care. Enjoy the flashes of happy. Don't be angry at yourself for feeling this way. Christmas is over, a new day has dawned. See your therapist, get a massage or a mani-pedi. Take a hot shower, even though you don't feel like it. Put on makeup and take a selfie. Do whatever it is that helps you remember that you are valuable, you are loved, you are enough. Together, we will get through this.

Papa's Penny Sucker

Over 75 years ago, this little girl and boy were eagerly anticipating Christmas, just as we have been.

Their dads, holding them, worried that they wouldn't be so happy when Christmas morning came and they had no gifts to open. By Christmas Eve, the two fathers had only three pennies between them to spare on their children. With five little ones, the two fathers decided they would spend their three pennies on three suckers - one for each of the children who were old enough to be expecting Santa to arrive. The three penny suckers were the only gifts the three children received, but they were happy. Those suckers kept the magic of Christmas alive in their hearts.

The little boy on the left told that story to his children and grandchildren every year for the rest of his life, as a reminder to be thankful for all our blessings, no matter how small they may be. Now, we, his children & grandchildren, tell the story for him as he celebrates in heaven. Right here in our country today, and even in our town, there are those who have no gifts to open, no ham to consume, no family to hug, no home to keep them warm, no celebratory treats - not even a penny sucker.

Remember this Christmas to be thankful for every gift, every moment, every person you get to see. Merry Christmas, friends, from our family to yours.

New Year, New Word

It's a new year, and that means I have a new word and verse/passage to focus on. I've been doing this for several years now (click the links for each year's blog entry), and each time I've seen God work through that word all year. In 2013, my word was MORE, and the year gave me so much more than I could have handled on my own - I had to rely on God to provide immeasurably more strength, courage, and fortitude than I had myself. 2014 was the year of ENOUGH. I was struggling, and I had to remember that his grace is enough for me, and his power is made perfect in my weakness. I didn't blog about my word (or much of anything) in 2015, but it was REVIVAL. As I reflect on the year, I can see that it has been a year of true revival for me. My mind is reviving as I complete my college courses. My soul is reviving with a return to church. My body is reviving with (very slow) weight loss and healthier eating and exercise habits. My mood is reviving with my return to social outings. My confidence is reviving with my Mary Kay business and all the beautiful women it has brought into my life. When I am receptive to the word God wants me to focus on for the year, he reveals the reasons for that word, and I grow. I've been thinking and praying about my word for 2016 for about a week now, and today, God showed me exactly what word I need to focus on: RANSOMED. While I have one word, I have a Bible passage rather than a single verse. This is one of my very favorite passages, and I have taken out references to Israel and replaced them with my own name to help me visualize how the Bible uses the nation of Israel as a metaphor for all of us. I've also replaced references to other nations with Jesus, since he is the sacrifice that atoned for our sins:
But now, [Meredith], listen to the Lord who created you. O [daughter], the one who formed you says, “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I gave [Jesus] as a ransom for your freedom; I gave [my own son] in your place. Others were given in exchange for you. I traded [His] (life) for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you."

 ~ Isaiah 43:1-4

OK, so I know it seems like an obvious choice, since it is tattooed on my arm, but it really wasn't. I had four potential words when I first began the process, and ransomed wasn't one of them. In the end, each one of those four words are wrapped up in this one. Isn't God amazing?

The front-runner of potential words, from the start, was forward. I feel like my year of revival has been only the beginning and I must keep moving forward. After all, Jesus gave his life to purchase me from bondage, so shouldn't I honor that sacrifice by striving daily for forward progress?

Worth was another word on my short list. I've struggled lately with feeling worthless, replaceable, unremarkable. My self-worth has been taking a beating, and I'm constantly reminding myself that Jesus paid a very high price for me. He gave me value when he paid my ransom, and I can honor that by not devaluing myself with negative self-talk or actions.

The third word I considered was cherished. My life has been full of people who've abandoned me or died, or who haven't appeared to care about me even though they should have. In contrast to my bio-dad, who constantly disappears and reappears in my life, my Heavenly Dad has stayed by my side and on my side. He cherishes me, purifies me, strengthens me, and never condemns me. I may never have Fred's approval, but God is proud of me. The ransom Jesus paid for me ensures that Holy Spirit is my constant companion and guide, because I am cherished by the Father of everything.

Finally, I wondered if my word might be free. The last couple of years as I have grieved and recovered from a relapse of PTSD, I haven't felt free. I've been ashamed of the insecurities and pain I'm feeling, and as a result, I've hidden parts of myself. As I'm coming out of the fog, I'm realizing that I've allowed my shame and guilt to hide what God has done for me in my seasons of weakness, sin, and pain. He gave his life for me! Why am I not shouting from the rooftops that he has once again revived my soul? Why am I allowing myself to be a slave to guilt and shame when he has wiped all of that away with his blood? He bought me for a price - not to own me, or shame me, or punish me, but to set me free. 

As you can see, each of those words led me in the same direction. The only reason I can feel cherished and free, or keep moving forward, the only reason I have worth and value: because Jesus RANSOMED me. He paid the ultimate price for me, in spite of my scars, wounds, and defilement. I can't wait to see how he uses my word for his glory this year!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

What a crew! Special appearance by Lexi, who loves her Aunt Merfa & Uncle Cory, as well as her cousins, very much!

Can you believe that 2015 is almost over?! What a year of changes it has been for our family! We give all the glory and praise to God for his provision, blessings, and guidance this year. You, friends, are our greatest blessings!! Your support of our family, whether you've blessed us with time, love, friendship, or purchased Mary Kay, has kept us going through some difficult trials this year and provided for our needs. Read on to see what each of us has been up to this year and learn some of the ways your Mary Kay purchases have made a difference this year!

   Morgan is now officially an adult!! After graduating homeschool in May, she moved to Tulsa for the summer to complete an internship with Life.Church Jenks. She lived with her Grammy and Papa (Cory's parents) all summer, spent lots of time with them and with her baby cousin, Lexi, learned a lot about ministry and Jesus, and her mom and dad missed her VERY much! She did a fantastic job and is considering applying for an internship again next summer at another campus or pursuing opportunities with other church internship programs. She's now back in Stillwater, working at Starbucks and Old School Bagel Cafe, leading youth in a small group at Life.Church Stillwater, and spreading the love of Jesus wherever she goes. She's considering attending NOC or OSU next fall if that's where God leads her next. For now, she's waiting on His call and preparing for her next steps. We are so very proud of her for having the courage to wait for him and for being productive in the meantime. She has grown up so much this year, and I'm amazed daily by the woman she has become!

KayLynn is about to turn 17 and is growing into a lovely young lady. She started the Graphic Design program at our local technical school this fall and is thriving! She loves her schoolwork and has made new friends, and she enjoys getting to dress up and put on makeup for school. During therapy sessions this summer, she was diagnosed with high-functioning autism in addition to her severe ADHD. What a blessing her diagnosis has been! While there is no medical treatment, it has been incredibly productive just to know what we are facing and why she's continued to struggle with certain issues. Her therapist is experienced and works very well with her, and knowing her limits has allowed all of us to help her make plans for the future as she transitions into adulthood. She's looking forward to where God and her graphic design certification will take her!

Aaron is 14 and already over 6' tall!! At the rate he's growing, his doctors estimate that he will be 6'4" or 6'5" when fully grown, and he will probably continue growing until he's 18 or 19. He's thriving in homeschool, and his favorite subjects are algebra and science. Because he loves to cook and experiment in the kitchen, he makes dinner for the family most nights, and we love his servant heart and yummy meals! Earlier this year, he was diagnosed with a factor 7 blood clotting deficiency, which basically means that his blood doesn't clot as quickly as it should. It's a genetic condition, and the bad nosebleeds he's always had were the clue that led to his diagnosis. While we can't treat or cure the deficiency, we can manage some of the side effects and take precautions to prevent complications. His hematologist monitors him regularly, and he will have the first of two surgeries this month to cauterize the blood vessels in his nose. This should alleviate the nosebleeds and help stabilize his iron levels. We've learned this year what a HUGE blessing it is to have good health insurance and caring, dedicated health care professionals in our lives!

Cory has had some big changes this year, too. He got a job at Oklahoma State University, as a TV engineer in the ITLE department - now he's required to bleed orange! He is really enjoying his work and his co-workers, and this new career has given him the opportunity to go back to college this fall and work on finishing his degree. He's majoring in studio art and we've all enjoyed watching him rediscover his love and talent for design and drawing. More than school or work, though, Cory is absolutely smitten with his role as Uncle Cory! Lexi has stolen his heart with those beautiful blue eyes that are so much like his, and we are all loving every minute of watching her grow up.

As for me, I've made many changes this year as well. When Cory told me he was going back to school, I gave in to my inner nerd and decided to enroll myself. I completed my first full semester of college last night! While I wish I'd had the fortitude and maturity to do it 20 years ago, I'm still very proud of myself for succeeding this time around. I just celebrated my third year with SMC and love it, and in August I started my own Mary Kay business. I never imagined I'd enjoy it so much, but it has been such a bright spot in my busy, not always fun, schedule! Since I've begun using exclusively Mary Kay for my skin care and makeup, I can tell an amazing difference in my face. My complexion is more even, brighter, and blemishes stay away; I've been able to confidently go out in public with no foundation for the first time in my life. Well, I'm sure I was confident when I was two, but that doesn't really count. I have LOVED the opportunity to share these products with the women (and men!) I meet and those I already know and love. Every woman has something she'd change about her skin, and I get to help her do that! In addition, the financial benefits to our family have been very much appreciated. With my Mary Kay profit, I've donated to worthy causes, provided Christmas gifts for adopted families, taken Mom out to dinner with all of us, put gas in the car many times over, provided my family with healthier skin, purchased a high-quality, well-fitting bra, bought groceries, treated the kids to pizza, and SO much more. ALL of those things would have been impossible without my business and YOUR purchases! I'm going to be real and vulnerable with you for a minute: I stress a LOT about money. I'm very good at giving God worries about health, relationships, etc, but I struggle greatly with giving him my financial burdens. I second-guess every discretionary purchase I make - whether it's an extra box of cereal, a haircut, or that bag of Ghirardelli chocolates I really, really want. Because of you, these decisions have been a little easier lately. Aaron's upcoming surgeries will mean significant financial strain for our family, but because of you and Mary Kay, I feel less helpless and more prepared. It won't be easy, but you, my friends, give me hope. Aaron WILL have successful surgeries and better health, KayLynn WILL have the therapy sessions she needs, and we WILL have our needs met!

Thank you, from all of us, for another wonderful year. We pray blessings and peace to you this Christmas season and throughout 2016. We love you!!

We'd love to hear from you! Email us at meredithb@marykay.com or find us on Facebook.

I'm your dad, and you're my daughter

    I'll never forget the day "Uncle Shorty" finally became "Dad" to me. I put it off for years, keeping that part of my heart closed off as deeply as I could. It was Father's Day, several years ago, and instead of the usual "Papa" cards from the kids, I felt a strong desire to also get him a "Dad" card from me. I don't remember what it said, but it was perfect. When he read it, and I finally called him Dad, the look on his face told me I had done the right thing. That smile is forever seared into my heart! Words on a piece of folded, decorated cardstock made him smile at me with love, acceptance, pride, and joy in his eyes, and during the hug we shared, he told me, "I'm your dad, and you're my daughter. You always have been, ever since we got you. I'm real proud of you. I love you, daughter."
     After that day, he never missed an opportunity to call me his daughter, and every time he said it, he got that same proud, loving look on his face. Let me tell you, nothing broke those walls around my heart down faster than that face. He was my dad, and I was his daughter. Even as his mind was gradually stolen by Alzheimer's, he still called me daughter and gave me that smile. I will be forever grateful that God gave me a lucid goodbye, and that Dad's last words to me were "I love you."
     Now, on Father's Day, I find myself realizing that I don't just miss him. I also miss the men he replaced. I know that I resisted letting him fill their place for a reason, and now I am reminded why I was so stubborn. The ache in my heart is so deep that it takes my breath away - I grieve for Dad, knowing that visiting him tomorrow will mean visiting a grave. I grieve for Papa, the first man to ever show me what consistent, unconditional, fatherly love really is. I grieve for Fred, my bio dad, for the man he used to be and the man he has become. I grieve for all that I have lost and for all that could have been. I grieve, and I remember.
      I remember Fred taking me into the Frito-Lay truck when I was just a toddler, telling me I could choose any treat I wanted from the vast array. His voice was so gentle, his eyes so loving, and I knew how much he loved being my dad then.
     I remember staying up all night playing dominos with Papa, talking about anything and everything, or enjoying a comfortable silence. Those late nights are my favorite memory of my teenage years.
     I remember staying with Mom and Dad when Aaron was a baby, waking up to the sound of Aaron yelling 'hey!' when Dad walked by, and Dad yelling 'hey!' right back before coming to get him for some quality Papa-Aaron time.
     I remember the day Fred told me that his home was no longer my home, when I was 7 years old and completely blindsided by losing my daddy only two years after losing my mommy, unable to comprehend that he'd had to choose between me and his new family. 
     I remember the day Papa died, knowing he was gone the moment he let go of my arm and fell to the floor. I still shiver when I remember the bitter cold wind that chilled me to the bone as we buried Papa and Grandma together, when I was 16 and wondering how life could go on when I believed I had no one left to love me.
     I remember helping mom choose the flowers for Dad's funeral, overwhelmed with gratefulness that I had the privilege of being his daughter and being involved in the final days and moments of his life, but also overwhelmed with guilt at all the years I spent pushing him away.
     Happy Father's Day in heaven, Dad and Papa. Dad - you'll always be my dad, and I'll always be your daughter. Your grandchildren and I miss you more than words can say.  Papa - It's been so long since I lost you, and yet you are still with me in so many ways. My kids know what a great inventor and handyman you were, and how much you loved Little Debbies and strawberry pop. You'll always be a hero in my eyes.
     And, though I know you'll never hear it, Happy Father's Day, Fred. I hope you know that there's always a piece of my heart that belongs to you.

Grief is not just a word

Grief. Oh, that word. It's such a small word! Deceptively small, for such a large emotion. The feelings are never-ending, so shouldn't the word be longer than 5 letters? It's been almost three months since Dad died, and I still feel like I'm on autopilot most of the time. I'm not randomly bursting into tears on a daily basis anymore, so that's a plus. I even feel joy, happiness, and other positive emotions occasionally. Most days I think I seem pretty normal to everyone around me. All of these are definitely steps in the right direction, I think.
Yes, all those are good things, but I'm still not OK. I want to be. Oh, how I desperately want to be. This SUCKS. I always thought it was so odd that I literally don't remember the 6 months after my grandparents died, but now I understand it completely. If it was anything like this, it's no wonder I can't remember. I can't even keep track of what day it is, much less create memories that will still be there years from now. Some days, I think I'm back to myself again. I work, I enjoy life, I smile and laugh, I praise my Creator, I love, I pray, I sleep. Other days, I wonder when this shadow will ever lift. It's not that I can't function, it's more like I just don't want to. I'm tired, all the time. I rarely want to fix my hair, or put on my makeup, or pay attention to what I'm wearing. I've only been to church sporadically since he got so sick. That alone is SO hard! I love my church. I love being at the church with my church - holding babies, worshiping, laughing, talking, hugging....I love it all. My friends want me to come back. My husband wants me to come back. My kids, especially my oldest, want me to come back and don't understand why I don't. Heck, I don't even understand it, really. All I know is that I'm not ready. I've tried - I've gone several times, with most of those times ending in tears. So I stay home (thank you, Lord, for Church Online!). I know that one day I will be ready, I will go back. I know that I should be there. I know how important my church is and how much my spiritual life is bolstered by communion with other believers. I know that the longer I shut myself off, the less support and help I will receive from those who love me. I know how much I need that support and love. And yet, I'm just not ready. I hope and pray that my friends will not forget me, that they will realize how much I still love and need them, but I also know that their life is still going on full speed ahead. I know that friendship is a two-way street. I know that my withdrawal doesn't help friendships. So I wait. One day, this too will pass. Because I know that God is ENOUGH for me, I hold on, keep praying, keep worshiping, keep crying out to him, and I wait for the fog to dissipate.
And I know, with all my heart, that it will dissipate. There is life after grief. I know, because I've lived it. And one day, I will live it again. In the meantime, please be patient with me. I'm doing the very best that I can.

Just One Word

Last January, I wrote a blog post about my 'one word' for 2013. If you haven't seen it, check it out here:Yep, I'm crazy.... When I look back on that post and realize just how much our lives have changed since then, I realize that God was so very faithful in showing me just how much "more" he is able to do, even when I have less to give. Especially when I have less to give. I had no idea when I stopped serving in LifeKIDS a year ago that by the time the year was over, I would be thankful for my Sunday mornings alone. When I wrote Alzheimer's is a horrid, cruel disease. last March, I had no idea that less than six months later, I'd be using every ounce of my emotional, mental, and physical energy just to function as we struggled to find Dad a home and keep him safe. I didn't know that I would be writing his obituary by October, or how deeply I would be overcome by depression afterward. I had no idea that as the calendar marked a new year, my emotions would still be so fragile that even attending church would become difficult. It's been over two months since Dad met Jesus, and I still haven't conquered this demon we call depression. Last year, I somehow missed the point of "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more...according to HIS power at work within us" and mistakenly believed that I would be the one doing "more" instead of realizing that GOD would be the one doing "more" in me. As we greet this new year, I am broken, humbled, completely reliant on God's strength instead of my own. And so, with my inadequacies and weaknesses bared for all to see, I realize that my word this year is "enough". But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is ENOUGH for you...my strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in {your} weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses...that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!!   2 Corinthians 12:9

Enough. God's power, God's grace, God's kindness, God's favor....he is enough for me. His power is most effective when I am weak. All this inadequacy I am feeling, all this absolute powerlessness, makes me strong because I am living by HIS power, not my own. And as I know, he is able to do immeasurably more than I can even imagine, let alone do, myself. He is enough. He is more than enough. Already, in the very first day of this new year, I have seen his favor, his mercy, his love. I have watched my husband teach our son how to replace a doorknob, and by doing so, he also taught him how to follow through on promises and how to show others love in the ways they receive it best. That one simple lesson in home improvement showed just how much my amazing husband loves all of us. I am blessed. I have enough. Just today, we received an amazing gift from Cory's parents that will continue to bless us for months and years to come. We have jobs, we have food, we have clothing, and a home. We have our family - all five people in our house love Jesus and love others, and that makes all the difficult moments a little bit easier to navigate. We have pets, reliable vehicles, cable tv, and lots of love. We have friends who are close enough to be family, a church family we love dearly, and the best extended family we could ever ask for. We're always just one text away from a smile - a photo of our sweet baby niece, a funny joke, an encouraging lift from a friend. We are living under the favor, strength, and power of the Messiah, and that is enough. No matter how long this season of depression and weakness lasts, I will remind myself, every day if I have to, that I have God's power, and therefore, I have enough.