What did I just do?!?

No, seriously. What did I just do?!? Some decisions are so easy, and others, even when you know they're right, are so HARD!! Today I did something I never could have imagined I would do - I took myself out of LifeKIDS. And I'm still in shock. Here's an excerpt from the email I sent to the LifeKIDS team today asking them to take me off the schedule for at least two months:

My quiet times with God lately have been pushing me to re-evaluate what I’m doing and how I’m doing it, and to be honest, I’m not sure if he’s leading me to just take a break or if he’s leading me down a whole different path. I know I don’t feel that I’m living up to his calling for me in what I’m doing right now, and I’m not sure what I need to be doing instead. I am longing for more, for greater kingdom impact, for a higher level of true servanthood, for more sacrifice. Ultimately I always want to live for what he’s calling me to and not just what I love, because only in Him is my fulfillment...I’ve never been this unsure of my place before, and all I can think is that God is stretching me and using my vulnerability to just break me before him and lead me into whatever he wants me to be doing...

So there you have it. For the first time in years, I'm in a position of NOT knowing what God is calling me to do, not knowing where He wants me, not knowing how He wants to use me not just within LifeKIDS, or LifeChurch, or the church as a whole, but in His world. His community. Among His creation and His people. For the first time in I don't remember how long, I feel a deep longing to sacrifice more, to make a bigger impact, with NO clue of how to do it. I love that yellow hallway. I love the kids so much. I love the parents. I love the staff and am in awe of how God has put them so carefully in place at just the right moment in this ministry. I love the volunteers with all my heart. The yellow hallway has been my security, my sanctuary, my avenue for growth and development, and such a huge source of joy for so long that my heart hurts just thinking about being in the building and not being in that hallway. I can't remember what it feels like to just go to church without checking in there first, to be a part of the body outside of that hallway, that safe place, my comfort zone.

And yet, I know with no uncertainty that God is drawing me away from that zone. Where I'll end up, I have no idea. Maybe right back there? That would be awesome! So please, as I begin this very uncertain, and scary (for me anyway) journey into seeking more sacrifice, pray for me. Pray with me. Come hang out with me, or invite me to coffee, or lunch, or breakfast, or whatever. Fill my need for social interaction. Love me anyway. Feed me your ideas, your passions, your heart. Brainstorm with me. Tell me how I can help you. Share your burdens with me so I can use this time of awakening to benefit you and find what God is calling me to do.  This is what the Lord says—your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is good for you and leads you along the paths you should follow. Isaiah 48:17