The Day After Christmas

I've shared this story the past couple of years on this day - for those who are struggling with depression, feelings of inadequacy, or who are wondering how to go on. I don't share for sympathy or attention; I share for my own healing and to bring hope to others. If you are in your feelings today, you are not alone.
On this day 33 years ago, I was enjoying the day with my cousins at Grandma and Papa's house. Grandma always made the best things at Christmas - she was a genius in the kitchen, and her homemade gingerbread houses were beautiful (she made the whole thing from scratch). She always had lots of veggies from her garden that she'd canned herself, pumpkin and pecan pies, pumpkin bread, and the best candies. We kids had the important job of dipping candies in chocolate; I loved that candy and the fun of helping to make it. When the day was done and my dad arrived to pick me up, Grandma insisted on sending a big bag of food home with me, even though I told her I wouldn't be allowed to eat it. At home, I was nearly starved & never allowed to eat with the family or have hot food or sweets. I got in the car, immediately apologizing for the goodies and telling my dad I knew I couldn't have them, but I helped make them, and I hoped he and Nancy (his wife)would enjoy them. Then I waited for the anger I knew would come.

It didn't. With what sounded like no emotion, he said, "Well, you can take them to your new home, because you won't be living with me any more." And then he pulled out of the driveway of the one place I felt safe and loved. I'm sure he said other things, sure there were explanations and instructions, but I don't remember anything he said after that sentence. I couldn't understand what I'd done to make him not want me, I'd tried so hard to follow Nancy's rules and be good. I felt like I must be the most awful seven-year-old in the world to make him send me away. I didn't know why he wouldn't just let me live with Grandma and Papa, since he obviously didn't want me and they did. I couldn't fathom what I'd done to make him and Nancy do this, just two years after my mom had died.
Christmas was never the same for me after that. When my grandparents died in late October 9 years later, I stopped caring about the holidays altogether. Once I had my own kids, I knew that had to change and made sure to always give them the best happy holiday memories I could, focusing on their happiness to drown out my own negativity. Some years, I'm more successful than others. Some years, I almost forget the pain and actually enjoy the amazing gift of family I now have. Other years, like this year, the memories of my painful past refuse to fade, blanketing every happy moment with sadness and overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and loss. This year is especially rough, knowing that my last strong connection to my bio family died with Mom (she was his oldest sister). Every day I have to deliberately choose to get out of bed, wear clean clothes, and do anything other than stay in bed reading all day and all night. When I cry, the tears come out of nowhere and I can't stop. My nerves are frayed, my shoulders tense, my heart heavy, and my mind preoccupied.
If you have friends dealing with depression this holiday season, I hope my own experiences can give you insight into why they may not be able to get over it, why the holidays can bring so much pain even many years after tragedy. You can't fix it, can't make the pain go away, but you can help. Be kind, be patient. Bring the joyful moments that ease the oppressive pain, even if the relief is only temporary. Smile, laugh, enjoy things in front of us. Trust me, seeing you sad because of us just makes us feel worse.
If you are struggling as I am, know that you aren't alone. Practice self-care. Enjoy the flashes of happy. Don't be angry at yourself for feeling this way. Christmas is over, a new day has dawned. See your therapist, get a massage or a mani-pedi. Take a hot shower, even though you don't feel like it. Put on makeup and take a selfie. Do whatever it is that helps you remember that you are valuable, you are loved, you are enough. Together, we will get through this.