Not my usual letter

Mom,

If you were still alive, I'd probably be spending the next week planning a big 60th birthday party for you. Instead, I've been in complete inner turmoil thinking about you. To be honest, I'm really, really angry with you, and that bugs me. I feel like there's something very wrong about being angry with a dead person. Your birthday, the day I always write you a letter telling you how much I love and miss you, is in six days - and all I can think about is how angry I am with you for dying.

Yep, I said it. I'm angry with you for dying. I know, I know, you didn't crash the car into that tree, and you didn't leave the house that morning intending to never come home. And yet, your death was a direct consequence of your choices. Unfortunately, instead of your choices creating consequences for you, they created consequences for everyone who loved you. Your choices have also created so many questions I wish I could ask you. Why did you choose to ride with your friend that day instead of driving to work? Why did you marry a man who abused you and your daughter and allow him to do the things he did? Why did you choose drugs and sex over your child and your marriage? Those are questions that I will never know the answer to. Never. No one else can tell me those things. Those who knew you then could guess, or make excuses for you, but only you have the answers.

I love you so much my heart could burst sometimes. I long for just one day with you, one mother-daughter date with me as the daughter instead of the mother, one good, tearful shouting match. Is it weird that I want to fight with you? Everyone I know fights with their moms sometimes; I can't think of a single person I know (my own daughters included) who hasn't had a knock-down, drag-out, 'I can't stand you' fight with their mom at some point in their lives. And yet, when the fight is over and the emotions less heightened, the love remains. And the love...oh the love. A mother's love is divine. Unconditional, generous, endless, and filled with longing to give her child more that she herself has ever had. I love my children so much that there is nothing they could ever do to make me love them less. When they screw up, I just want to fix it and hold them until they feel better. When they do something well, I can't stop talking about it and my heart is overwhelmed with awe. When someone hurts them, I want to defend and protect them. When we fight, I cry because I fear that they'll never understand why I've done whatever it is that makes them so angry, and because I fear that I've done something wrong as a parent because they aren't perfect. Their success, their failure, their pain, their joy, I feel it all as if it were my own. There is nothing in this world I wouldn't give up for any one of them.

So what I really don't understand, mom, what I'm really, really angry about, is why you didn't feel all of those things for me. Why was my dependence on you not enough to keep you from choosing a path of drugs? Why was my innocence not valuable enough for you to protect? Why was my faith in you not enough to motivate you to make better choices? What was it that made me unworthy? Why was I not enough?

I'm still hoping and praying that by Friday, I'll be ready to write you a better birthday letter, one that isn't full of anger and questions. For now, though, this is all I have. I don't know where you're spending eternity, but I pray that was one choice you got right and that I will see you in Heaven. I love you, mom, and miss you always.

Meredith Lee

My Marriage Top Ten

When I have a migraine, it's like my brain is in nonsensical overdrive. I can't stop thinking, talk too much, and don't make much sense at all. It's like a bouncy ball has taken up residence in my brain, ricocheting from one thought to another and creating pain with every bounce. Tonight, my thoughts wandered to the epic fight my hubby and I had Wednesday night. Thinking about the fight made me wonder how in the world I can be giving relationship advice to ANYONE when I just behaved like that, which led to Bible reading to find words of wisdom. I started thinking about all the different tidbits of relationship advice that I've passed on to others, wondering if they would still think my advice was good if they had witnessed that fight. We were both definitely not following our own advice! As I was reading, I came upon this verse: Turn from evil and do good, seek peace and pursue it. Psalm 34:14

Seems pretty simple, right? Turn from evil. Do good. Seek peace. Pursue it. Whoa...wait a minute....pursue it? That one little word makes it seem that peace isn't something we can just find and keep - it's something we have to pursue, to chase, to work at. If the Bible tells us to pursue peace, that makes me think that sometimes we won't be successful. Sometimes, we may lose it, and then we have to start chasing it again. Maybe, just maybe, our epic fight wasn't a sign that we are failures at marriage and unqualified to give advice. Maybe it was just a sign that we need to keep pursuing peace and encouraging others to do the same. Maybe we aren't qualified to advise others, but God is - and when we give advice, we earnestly pursue God's wisdom and try not to give our opinions, but instead God's inspirations. Our advice isn't our own, but instead it's Holy Spirit speaking through us. Or at least that's our goal. So with that in mind, here are my top 10 recommendations for strengthening your marriage. And mine. :-)

1. Pursue peace. When we focus on pursuing peace, we aren't focusing on being right, or on making our grievances heard. When I choose to focus on pursuing peace, I give my husband extra grace and leeway if I can tell he's having a bad day. If my goal is peace, I don't try to make him see what a jerk he's being - I just try to make him feel better so he can get over his funk in his time. Sure, it means I have to be less sensitive and more forgiving, but if I give up my right to be offended, epic fights are much less likely.
2. Never forget that my spouse is my number two. Cory is second only to God on my priority list - ahead of my kids, my friends, even myself. If that's true, he deserves more grace, more patience, more forgiveness, and more tolerance from me than anyone else. I'd never dream of not forgiving my kids when they upset me, even if they're intentionally being disrespectful, defiant, or disobedient. If I can give that kind of unconditional love to them, he deserves it even more.
3. Respect that my husband and I are one person, in two bodies. This one is hard! I was a single mom for so long that I have a tendency to want to take charge and make decisions (like letting the kids go places) without getting his opinion. Because I am a survivor of child abuse and domestic violence, I assert my independence often and resist vigorously if I feel like I'm being told what to do. Genesis 2:24 tells me that...a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. When I don't respect that, or he doesn't, we have conflict. Every time.
4. Have faith in him, even when I'm inwardly skeptical. In our marriage, I am the planner and the risk analyst, and Cory is the spontaneous risk-taker. When he has an idea, he sees the endless possibilities it could bring, while I see the obstacles that could cause failure. Sure, it's frustrating when he wants to spend money we don't have on some new business venture that he KNOWS will be his calling, but I've learned that if I can have faith in him and present my logical concerns in a loving way, leaving the final decision to him, he usually makes the right choice. No matter what, he knows that I'm not trying to suppress his unbelievable creativity, and I'm loving my husband for the unique person he is. The impact of that on our relationship is worth more than any amount of money.
5. View our differences as complimentary instead of confrontational. Cory and I are like two pieces of an intricate puzzle - put us together the wrong way, and we just don't fit. Line up the pieces right, and we complement each other to create a beautiful picture. I can choose to be frustrated that he can envision a grand plan without even thinking about the little steps that pave the way, or I can choose to be glad I don't have to come up with the big vision and fill in the details of the little steps for him.
6. Brag about him to others, whether he can hear me or not. The way I speak about my husband when he's not around speaks volumes about my commitment to our marriage. Have you ever met a couple who's been married for 50 years or more? I've met a few, and one thing I've noticed about every single one of them is that when I ask one spouse about the other, they speak only good. I'm sure they've had their share of epic fights, but they don't draw others into them. Double bonus? When I am intentional about sharing the wonderful parts of my husband with others, my own focus naturally shifts to what I love about him & I become less frustrated by the little things he does that drive me crazy.
7. Don't say 'I told you so' or any variation of it. There are plenty of people in his life that will play that card, and I shouldn't be one of them. Chances are, he already knows I was right and me rubbing it in only makes him feel worse about whatever his failure is. Instead, I want to be sympathetic and encouraging, his assistant in fixing the problem and moving forward.
8. Let him be the spiritual leader. I'll admit, this one is really tough for me. I have more Bible knowledge and more years of experience living for Christ, and early in our marriage I was the one who led the kids spiritually. However, I've learned that when I let him lead and support his efforts, his confidence grows and God leads him to do things I wouldn't have ever thought of doing. Empowering Cory lets him grow in faith, confidence, and as a leader, and in turn, I get to relinquish some of the load. It's absolutely amazing how good it feels to hear him lead our family using scriptures I've taught him or passages we've discussed!
9. Never stop dating. Whether it's a trip to the gas station, a dinner out, or a full weekend of time alone, it's important. If we don't take time to date, we can go an entire week or more and not talk about anything except our jobs, our kids, and what to eat. On dates, we put our phones away and focus on each other., which leads to both of us feeling like the other cares enough to listen to whatever silly or boring story we tell.
10. Make family time a priority. We have 'family night' at least once a week. No matter what we're doing, we spend the evening together. No one is allowed to go play in their rooms, and no one is allowed to be on their phone/laptop/tablet/gaming system. Even if we're just having dinner and watching TV, we're showing our kids that family matters. After all, one day they'll have families of their own, and we're laying the groundwork for them to be active parents instead of uninterested ones. The weeks we don't have family night, everyone in our house becomes more sensitive, more crabby, more easily offended. Making time for ourselves as a family keeps us all from being overscheduled, overstressed, and underappreciated, which leads to a happier home, happier kids, happier mom, happier dad, and stronger marriage. Who knew America's Got Talent could be a key to keeping a family running smoothly?!?

Memorial Day

When I was little, Memorial Day always meant I was going to someone's grave. When I lived with Aunt Virginia, it was my Beyl relatives - Grandma & Grandpa Beyl, Aunt Eula, and many others I didn't know. If I was with Grandma & Papa, we would of course be visiting my mom and the three children they had buried in the same cemetery, along with more people I didn't know. Memorial Day wasn't a time for barbeques, or picnics, or going to the lake - it was a day to remember not only our fallen military heroes, but also all those who died before us and shaped our personal family history. We honored them with fake flowers, stories of their lives, and photographs of me as a child crouched uncomfortably next to my mother's tombstone. We spent hours in the car, driving from one cemetery to another, often stopping to see family members along the way.

As an adult, I don't spend my Memorial Day the same way. I've only been to visit my mother's and grandparents' graves twice as an adult - once with my cousin Teri, which became a devastating visit as I realized that my grandparents had no tombstone, and once with my own kids, which ruined one of my favorite pairs of shoes and resulted in opening a floodgate of sadness for me. I'm sure if I went more often, or made an annual tradition of it, I could hold myself together better. For now, though, I just don't go. Something about remembering all those I've lost while at their gravesides is just too much, and because the drive is so long, I find reasons to avoid it. Today, I remember:

Grandpa & Grandma Beyl - their little house was cozy, comfortable, and covered in birds of every size and color. Grandma just radiated a kind of beautiful, quiet strength that she passed on to my mom-by-choice, Aunt Virginia. Grandpa's face crinkled when he smiled, and he smiled often. Grandma taught me to love Rice Krispies and always had words of wisdom to share.
Uncle Charles - I loved him so much! He was accepting, loving, kind, and generous, and he loved me despite my many faults at the time we were close. He was the first person I took Morgan to visit when she was born - we went to his house even before going home from the hospital. He taught me so much, and to this day I use his advice as a deciding factor in loaning money or things to others - "if you aren't prepared and able to give it as a gift, don't give it at all. Then, if you are repaid or it is returned, it will be an unexpected bonus."
Grandma & Papa Shatswell - they were the only people in my life who were a consistent, loving influence from the time I was born until they died my junior year of high school. They weren't perfect, but I always knew how much they loved me, and they were the center of my world. Losing them was harder than anyone else I've lost so far in my life, and I miss them always. When they died, a little piece of my heart died forever with them.
Aunt Alice - she was my Grandma Shatswell's sister, and she was the only person from my mom's side of the family that came to my high school graduation. She missed church to see me graduate as valedictorian, and that was a sacrifice that I can't even put into words. We kept in touch long after my contact with the rest of the family faded, and I still look in the direction of her house when I drive into Sand Springs.
Grandma & Grandpa Crawford - they were my Grandma Shatswell's parents and lived on the same lot as Aunt Alice. When Grandma Crawford died, Aunt Alice moved out of her little house and down to the big house to take care of Grandpa. Grandpa was a traveling preacher and loved to fish. Grandma Crawford had weekly church at home after she became too ill to go to church, and I remember many late nights falling asleep on the floor as others were worshiping and praying around me.
Mom - I'm always amazed at how much I miss someone I didn't really even know. She was beautiful, she loved me, and my life changed indescribably the day she died in a car accident. I was five, and my Grandma & Papa Shatswell, her parents. were the ones who came to tell me the awful news. At the time, I only knew that I was hurting, but now I know that losing her was so very painful for them as well. When I was told that she was never coming home, I ran screaming from the trailer, wailing at the top of my lungs as I ran circles around the mobile home. On the way back to Tulsa with Grandma, Papa, and Grandpa Crawford, I stubbed my toe so many times it bled, and I fell asleep with my head in Grandma's lap and her prayers in my ears. I woke up in a car with my dad & stepmom, so angry that they had taken me away. I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral or to speak of my mom at all in my dad's home. For years I imagined that my mom hadn't really died and that she would one day come back for me.

No, I didn't drive to their graves today, but they are always in my heart. And one day, I will see them again, in the city where the Lamb is the light, because every single one of those people, with the exception of my mom. left me a legacy of love for God - and that's the best memory of all.

Why did I quit again?

So this weekend, I've been serving in LifeKIDS again for the first time since quitting in January - and I've LOVED every minute of it!! Holding babies, giving high fives, welcoming new families, and just being there....my heart has been so full of happy that it's overflowing!! I was worried that I'd be tired or feel out of place, but instead I'm energized and just as comfortable as ever in the yellow hallway. Serving this weekend has made me ache with just how much I miss LifeKIDS. I miss it so much that sometimes (like this weekend) I have to ask myself, "Why did I quit again?"

Thankfully, I serve a God who never fails to provide reminders when I need them. Last night, just when I wanted to run around the corner and tell Heather and Chelsea to put me back on the schedule for good and count me in for this Sunday morning even though I signed up for evening only, God put a friend in my path & prompted a great conversation about homeschooling. He reminded me that he called me to leave LifeKIDS so he could shift my focus and move me in a new direction. Tonight when I was welcoming kids and volunteers and thought God couldn't possibly NOT want me to come back for good, he put someone in my path who hadn't heard the story behind my quitting. Yet again, my God reminded me how he called me to leave, not knowing why, and then led me right into homeschooling. Before long, he brought me another friend who wanted to hear about our new adventure, and then another wanting to hear why I stopped serving. Sure, you could call that coincidence, or simply the curiosity of friends, but I don't. I call that God's voice, clearly reminding me that he called me to leave for a reason, that my comfort zone isn't always the best place for me to be.

Tonight, I'm so thankful the weekend isn't over, and that I get to go back into my comfort zone tomorrow to welcome and love some more LifeKIDS. I'm also thankful that, as much as I miss being there for every moment of the weekend, I get the privilege of spending part of my Sunday shepherding my own kids. I get to sleep in, work on my Easter plans for them, and create their lesson plans for the week. I get to decide what KayLynn will study now that she's finished and passed Algebra (can I just say homeschooling suits her well?!?): German, Biology, Psychology, Music? I get to decide what group project they'll do, what Bible study I'll assign, what character trait they'll work on this week. I may not get to spend my entire day loving and leading other people's kids, but I DO get to spend the day loving and leading my own. What a blessing! This whole homeschool adventure could have crashed and burned already and we could have failed miserably, but we haven't. My 8th grader is learning new things instead of fighting boredom and inattention, my sophomore is spending two afternoons a week living out her calling by preparing for the ministry God's calling her into, my 6th grader is practicing handwriting while learning God's word, and we're all reaping the benefits of a much less stressed-out family.

So why did I quit again? Oh, yeah - because my God told me to, and he has blessed my obedience. This weekend we celebrate Jesus' ultimate obedience on the cross and God's ultimate faithfulness three days later, when he resurrected his dead son, our savior. Jesus was obedient. God was faithful. And as a result, we are able to do immeasurably more than we can even imagine by the power of the Spirit living in us. What beautiful blessings we receive when we choose to obey!

...What is more pleasing to the Lord: your burnt offerings and sacrifices, or your obedience to his voice? Listen! Obedience is better than sacrifice... 1 Samuel 15:22

Alzheimers is a horrid, cruel disease.

When I know bad news is coming, I like to prepare for it. Scary illness diagnosis? I research it until I know every possible scenario. Long-term illness diagnosis? Same thing - I find out as much as I can about the stages and progression and arm myself with statistics so I'll be ready when the inevitable happens. So, when my dad-by-choice was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I researched the stages, determined where he was, and relied on regular updates from my mom-by-choice. We've been blessed to have had so many great, coherent years with him - after he was diagnosed, it was determined that he had begun showing symptoms about the time I went to live with them. I was 8 then, and now I'm 36 - so he has done remarkably well! By the time he was diagnosed, he had lived with the disease for over 10 years without any of us realizing it. He was still at an early stage when he started medications, and they were very successful in keeping him stable. My kids have gotten to know their Papa and build many, many memories with him, and that blesses my socks off. My Papa was so very special to me, but with my dad out of the picture, I always worried that my kids wouldn't have that. I should have known that God would take care of it! Uncle Shorty has been the best Papa I ever could have wanted for them and they love him dearly!
Still, with all my preparations, I knew what was coming. Amazingly enough, the knowing hasn't really softened the blows of this awful disease. The first time he didn't know me when I called, I cried. The first time he looked into my MoMo's big brown eyes and didn't know her, we both cried. As Aunt Virginia shared her struggles in dealing with his violent, angry outbursts, I cried. I knew that the strong, godly, quiet leader was disappearing as his brain deteriorated. The more he progresses, the more I seize the moments we have and research what's coming next. I know what happens, I know the next steps and the indignities he will suffer as time passes, and over the last few months we've realized the disease is now taking over at a rapid rate. He gets lost, he forgets to stop at stop signs or red lights, he sleeps only a few hours at a time and wakes up thinking it's a new day. He gets angry and throws fits, he collects 'treasures' and hoards them, and the list of people he's forgotten or failed to recognize keeps getting longer. I know where this is going. I'm prepared. I am strong. I will be the rock for my mom-by-choice and my children to lean on. I'm not a crier, not one who falls apart, so I will be the strong tower they can turn to as we travel this road together. I can handle it.

So why am I in tears? If I'm so strong, if I'm so prepared, if I knew this day was coming, why am I crushed to hear my sweet, wonderful, loving mom-by-choice tell me that he didn't recognize her on Sunday? I knew the peace we've had wouldn't last forever, and yet every new step knocks me over. I'm thankful he eventually remembered, but my heart breaks just trying to imagine the pain she must have felt as he asked her where his wife was. I know how it feels when he doesn't recognize me. Her pain must be so much more! They've been married for 58 years. She was the last person he would forget, since she is his anchor and the one he must have near him in order to function. This is not a little thing, a small glitch, a phone call I'll forget tomorrow. This is a moment I will remember forever. I've done the research, so I know this is more significant than any other person he's forgotten. I know that, combined with his other recent symptoms, he's probably not going to know any of us soon. And believe me, I'm so very, very thankful for the time we've had. I know that I should be focusing on the good, thanking God for how long we've had him, and yet I sit here blubbering like a baby, the sobs coming in waves and the tears flowing anew after I thought they'd stopped. Me, the strong one, the non-emotional rock....I'm a mess. So please, pray for my mom-by-choice. This is so hard for her, and her health is not good. Pray that her emotional and physical strength will be supernatural, provided by God, to sustain her through what we know is coming. Pray for their children, my brothers & sisters - by-choice, who are losing their dad just like I am, whose children are losing their Papa just like mine are. I don't know how quickly the next blow will come, so my prayer is that God gives us sustenance to handle them all, one at a time. Thank you, friends, for listening and for praying. So many of you are hurting, and yet you still take time to read my ramblings and pray for my family. You are treasures, each of you, and I am thankful for every single person who sends up a prayer for us. Those of you who know my precious children, please say a special prayer for them and give them a hug when you see them. We love him so very, very much.

Smashing stereotypes

Black people love fried chicken and kool-aid.
Asians are smarter than the rest of us.
Christians hate gays & are staunch pro-lifers.
Men are bad drivers.
Women are bad drivers.
(Maybe we're all bad drivers?)
Women are emotionally fragile.
All babies are cute.
Men never ask for directions.
People with multiple tattoos are rebellious law-breakers.
Men who wear skinny jeans are gay.
Anyone who dresses in all black and wears eyeliner is a cutter.
People who homeschool their kids are weird religious nuts.
Aforementioned religious nuts are pushy and judgemental.
People who make their own laundry soap are tree-hugging environmentalist hippies.
Wrestling fans are rednecks.
New Yorkers are rude & fashionable.
Texans love country music.
People who live in California are gay-loving, tan, bikini-clad, liberal surfers.

Do I need to go on? Chances are you've heard, and maybe even believe, at least one of those statements. The truth is, however, that stereotypes are not reliable. Cory and I homeschool our kids, make our own laundry detergent, get excited about Crock-Pot recipes, and are undeniably weird Jesus freaks, and yet I have purple hair, he has earrings & tattoos, we're both pro-choice Democrats, I'm a great driver, and we both work full-time outside the home. See how many stereotypes we break? In the homeschool community, we're prey to judgment because we both have full-time jobs outside the home. In the public school community, we're the weirdos who let our kids watch TV and call it learning. In the Christian community, we support murder because we're pro-choice. As Oklahomans, we're practically outcasts for disliking country music. ;-)

In short, when you put all the pieces of our unique puzzle together, the image is not what you would expect - and I would be willing to bet yours isn't either. We are MORE than the sum of our parts. We are MORE than stereotypes, MORE than others expect us to be, immeasurably MORE than we could ever imagine becoming. We are smashing stereotypes not with hatred, or political lobbying, or rambling, angry facebook rants, but with everyday, authentic life. We strive to be true to ourselves, faithful to God, loving to others, and strong in our values. It's not the loudest or most attention-getting way to make a statement, but I'm ok with that. When my short time here on earth is over, I want people to remember that I loved deeply, lived authentically, and had an undeniable faith in God. Well, and maybe that I was a great driver....

Yep, I'm crazy....

If you've been reading my blog, you know that a couple of weeks ago, I did something absolutely unexpected and quit serving in LifeKIDS. If you haven't read about that decision, you should! It's the post right before this one, titled "What did I just do?!?"
If you have, you know that when I felt led to stop serving, I had no idea why. I was confused and not exactly happy about leaving the ministry I love, and I couldn't imagine where God could be leading me. I also heard friends talking about their 'one word' for the year. I missed several weeks of church at the beginning of the year (boo to bronchitis!), so I wasn't sure what this 'one word' thing was all about. I caught up on all the messages I missed, and still couldn't figure it out, so I asked a friend, who also couldn't remember what message it was in (yeah, that made me feel better!) but she said that it was a word that sums up what God wants from you in 2013. Another friend had mentioned finding a verse to go along with that word. Well, I know my word! My word for 2013 is MORE. More sacrifice, more giving, more trust in God, more faith...the list could go on and on. My verse is Ephesians 3:20 - Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us... With that word and that verse in my heart, I've prayed that God will show me what 'more' he is leading me to. And boy, did he ever show me more!
Monday morning, I woke up with homeschooling on the brain. It's something that Cory and I have discussed many, many times over the last few years, and when Steven Furtick's book Sun Stand Still came out a couple of years ago, one of my Sun Stand Still prayers was for God to show me a way to homeschool KayLynn. My amazing 14-yr-old has severe ADHD, and school has never been easy for us. We fight, we get through tantrums and bad grades and angry teachers and missing work....it's been a never-ending struggle every year. I get frustrated because it's so stressful and seems to be a battle we'll never win, and because I feel like my brilliant child isn't really learning much - I can look at her failing grades and see that every single test grade is an A, yet she's failing because she won't do the assignments. She's so smart, and yet school is so difficult, and I've always known there HAS to be a better way. Homeschooling was something I didn't see as feasible, though - I work full time, Cory works full time, and it's not like we have a lot of wiggle room in our budget to pay for curriculum. So we'd talk, and we'd pray, and we'd toy with different ideas, never really finding a solution. 
Monday, though, my brain was flooded with ideas, and I was obsessed with the idea. I just couldn't let it go. I did some research, and God put exactly the right websites and information at my fingertips. My heart raced, my hope was high, and I was giddy with excitement to talk to Cory about everything I found. As we drove to pick up KayLynn & Aaron from their dad's after work, I talked nearly non-stop about it, and after about half an hour, we had decided that we were ready to do this for KayLynn and that we would discuss it with MoMo and Aaron. We felt that Aaron needed to stay in public school for now, and that MoMo could choose what she preferred. When KayLynn and Aaron were in the car, we asked them their opinions on homeschooling without telling them what we'd been discussing. Both immediately told us that they wanted to homeschool and tried to convince us that they should. By the time we got home and brought MoMo into the conversation, I was ready to start immediately! We spent the whole evening in family discussion and family prayer about it, and by 9pm, we had decided that Aaron and KayLynn would start immediately. We wanted MoMo to have the freedom to make her own decision, since she's old enough and mature enough to do so, and since she has succeeded in public school. By 10pm, she had decided she was done with public school, too, so I stayed up late writing a lesson plan for each of them for the next day. Thursday we went to each school and formally withdrew them, and we are now officially a homeschool family. The decision has been a whirlwind, but God has affirmed it so many times already! The stress level in our house immediately dropped dramatically. The kids are getting along better, spurred by the group activities and the lower stress level. School has become fun for them. Aaron was able to spend a couple of nights with Grammy and Grampy. They are already learning things they never would have learned in public school. I'm under no illusions that this will be easy or that there won't be days when the stress level returns, but I know we can succeed. I know that my God can do immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine - and my Sun Stand Still prayer has been answered. We are crazy, and we love it!