Funeral Etiquette

WARNING: Do NOT read this post if you are looking for a feel-good, happy, thankful post. I am angry, I am hurting, I am grieving, I am irritable. While some of this may be judgmental or catty, most is actually useful advice...

FUNERAL ETIQUETTE

• No matter how casual the dress code, see-through is never an appropriate choice. No one wants to see your underclothes (or lack of them) while burying a loved one.
• If you’re not sure what to say, just say ‘I’m sorry.’ They may not be the most eloquent words, but the family probably won’t remember what you say to them anyway. Nothing you can say will make them truly feel better, but your words can make them feel worse.
• Carry plenty of tissues and offer them freely. The ones provided by the funeral home are like tissue paper and are not ideal for wiping eyes, noses, or anything else.
• You will be uncomfortable. Deal with it. Everyone else is sitting in the same hard chairs, or standing in the same cold wind, just like you. Funerals are not designed for comfort.
• If someone offers you a funeral program or anything else the family has chosen to hand out, just take it. If you refuse, you look like an inconsiderate jerk.
• Don’t talk during the service. Ever. Nothing you have to say is that important.
• If the deceased person has done you the honor of raising your child(ren) for you, you need to be at the funeral. Here are a few special guidelines, just for you:
• First, show up, sit down and shut up. Honor the person who filled your shoes by respecting the rest of the family.
• Your child is grieving. Comfort them. Do not roll your eyes at your child. Do not expect your child's natural love for you to overcome the loss they are feeling.
• If your child has a meltdown, you should be the FIRST person to get up and check on them. If they don't want your comfort, go check on them anyway.
• Your child just lost a parent. This is your opportunity to step back in and BE a parent, even if only for an hour or two. Consider it a blessing to be there, not a burden.
• If you can't manage to behave appropriately, just stand up in the middle of the service, walk to the casket, and take a bow. You have officially managed to make someone else's funeral all about you. Side note: don't be surprised if you somehow don't find out about the next family funeral until AFTER it's over.
• If you can’t manage to attend, send flowers. Or a plant. Or both. Better yet, do both AND show up. There are very, very few legitimate excuses for not showing up.
• If you don’t like the music, the preacher, the casket, the flowers, or anything else, keep your opinion to yourself. Even if you’re family. ESPECIALLY if you’re family.
• Ladies, wear waterproof mascara, even if you think you won’t need it.
• Wear comfortable clothing. If attending a graveside service, don't wear heels. I've made this mistake. Just trust me; I'm the queen of awkward, and tripping at a funeral is definitely embarrassing.
• If you send flowers, include the name of the person you want to have them afterward. Dividing them up is the first thing the family has to do after the service, and naming the person you're sending to on the card prevents unnecessary bickering at a time when emotions are running high.
• If your name is listed in the obituary, defer to everyone whose name is listed before yours. This greatly reduces the aforementioned emotional bickering.
• If the people whose name is listed before yours in the obituary are being unreasonable and not listening to you, refer to the above statement. Repeat as often as necessary. I promise, the memories of your loved one are the ones you want to hold on to, not the details of their funeral service or the disagreements about dividing up their belongings.
• If your name is not mentioned in the obituary, defer to everyone who is. Always.
• It's OK to laugh. It's OK to be glad to see family members you don't often visit. Enjoy the happy moments, because there will be plenty of unhappy ones too. 
• If you are fortunate enough to be a part of the family lunch hosted by the church, thank those who prepare and serve it. They are honored to host this for you, and your gratitude reminds them what a blessing they are.
• Don't fall victim to comparison. Your relationship with your loved one was not the same as your sister's, or your cousin's, or your uncle's, or anyone else's. You're all hurting. Support one another.
• Wait a week or two after the service and send (or give) a card to someone whose name is listed in the obituary. The first month (or few months) is hard on close family members as life around them goes back to ‘normal’. 
• If you're conflicted about whether or not you should go to the funeral, go. 
• Don't assume that once the funeral is over, the family is fine. As life goes back to 'normal', they are still grieving. If you can do something for a close family member in the months after the death, do it! Take them a meal, plan an outing, take their kids out for ice cream...whatever is appropriate for the relationship you have and the things they appreciate.
• Don't judge. Everyone grieves in different ways, and for different amounts of time. There is no right or wrong way to go on with life after losing someone you love.
• Have a plan. The least stressful funerals for families are the ones that have already been planned and/or paid for. Even if you can't pay for it, make a plan and a will, and make sure your family knows where to find it.