Grief. Oh, that word. It's such a small word! Deceptively small, for such a large emotion. The feelings are never-ending, so shouldn't the word be longer than 5 letters? It's been almost three months since Dad died, and I still feel like I'm on autopilot most of the time. I'm not randomly bursting into tears on a daily basis anymore, so that's a plus. I even feel joy, happiness, and other positive emotions occasionally. Most days I think I seem pretty normal to everyone around me. All of these are definitely steps in the right direction, I think.
Yes, all those are good things, but I'm still not OK. I want to be. Oh, how I desperately want to be. This SUCKS. I always thought it was so odd that I literally don't remember the 6 months after my grandparents died, but now I understand it completely. If it was anything like this, it's no wonder I can't remember. I can't even keep track of what day it is, much less create memories that will still be there years from now. Some days, I think I'm back to myself again. I work, I enjoy life, I smile and laugh, I praise my Creator, I love, I pray, I sleep. Other days, I wonder when this shadow will ever lift. It's not that I can't function, it's more like I just don't want to. I'm tired, all the time. I rarely want to fix my hair, or put on my makeup, or pay attention to what I'm wearing. I've only been to church sporadically since he got so sick. That alone is SO hard! I love my church. I love being at the church with my church - holding babies, worshiping, laughing, talking, hugging....I love it all. My friends want me to come back. My husband wants me to come back. My kids, especially my oldest, want me to come back and don't understand why I don't. Heck, I don't even understand it, really. All I know is that I'm not ready. I've tried - I've gone several times, with most of those times ending in tears. So I stay home (thank you, Lord, for Church Online!). I know that one day I will be ready, I will go back. I know that I should be there. I know how important my church is and how much my spiritual life is bolstered by communion with other believers. I know that the longer I shut myself off, the less support and help I will receive from those who love me. I know how much I need that support and love. And yet, I'm just not ready. I hope and pray that my friends will not forget me, that they will realize how much I still love and need them, but I also know that their life is still going on full speed ahead. I know that friendship is a two-way street. I know that my withdrawal doesn't help friendships. So I wait. One day, this too will pass. Because I know that God is ENOUGH for me, I hold on, keep praying, keep worshiping, keep crying out to him, and I wait for the fog to dissipate.
And I know, with all my heart, that it will dissipate. There is life after grief. I know, because I've lived it. And one day, I will live it again. In the meantime, please be patient with me. I'm doing the very best that I can.
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