What do you do when God answers your prayers but you’re hurt by the results? For a while now, I’ve been praying for my biological family – my dad & sister, my stepmom, and the four kids my sister & brother-in-law just adopted. I’ve prayed, genuinely & sincerely, for my bio dad and stepmom to be good grandparents to these beautiful children who so desperately need a family to love them. I’ve prayed for my sister and her husband as they begin this never-easy journey of parenting. I’ve prayed for my new nieces and nephews, that they will feel loved and accepted, and that they will grow and thrive. I’ve prayed that they will overcome the views they almost certainly have of what the world is like and learn new ways of thinking where they can be confident and truly believe that there are no limits to what their lives can be. And I’ve meant it with every fiber of my being.
So why, now that I’ve seen evidence that my prayers are being answered, do I feel so much pain? It appears that the kids are doing great, my sister & brother-in-law are loving and enjoying them, and my bio dad and stepmom love having grandchildren. And so my heart is in turmoil. I’m so full of joy when I think of those precious kids. For them to have found a permanent family, where the four of them can stay together, where they belong and are surrounded by love…that’s God at work! They’re no longer bound by the pain of feeling abandoned, unwanted, unloved. They were chosen and they are adored. Their potential is unlimited – they are free to dream, free to believe, free to love. My God has taken them from foster care and given them a home, and my heart rejoices to think of what that means for them.
But in the midst of that rejoicing is a searing, unrelenting pain. It’s the same pain I felt when I saw the hurt in my daughter’s beautiful eyes the first time it occurred to her that they’re technically her grandparents, too. While I know that those sweet children are absolutely wonderful (even though I’ve never met them), I also know that MY sweet children are incredibly amazing. As I see my bio dad & stepmom being congratulated on becoming grandparents, I can’t help but want to scream, “They’ve been grandparents for 14 years!” As I see them playing with my nieces and nephews, I can’t help but feel rejected all over again. With the joy of knowing that my prayers are being answered comes the pain of remembering that I’m still not wanted – and the even greater pain of knowing that by rejecting me, they’re also rejecting my kids. As much as I’ve worked to give my kids a better childhood than I had, as hard as I’ve tried to shield them from the pain of that rejection, this one answered prayer has made me feel like I’ve failed. This one answered prayer has brought immeasurable joy to four kids I will probably never know while bringing pain to three kids I love more than any others.
Yet, in the midst of the turmoil, I still have hope. My God is so much bigger than the scar on my heart, and he comforts me. He guides my thoughts to all the people he has so skillfully put in our lives to replace those who have rejected us, and how precious those relationships are, not only to me, but also to my kids. Because my children know the pain of rejection, they also know the value of acceptance – and this makes them one step closer to Him. Through the pain, He’s teaching us all how to bring glory to Him.
Christ accepted you, so you should accept each other, which will bring glory to God. Romans 15:7
And because my God comforts me, I know He will comfort them. After all, they’re His children. He’s just trusting me to take care of them for a little while.
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