It's Going to be a Journey - May 2011

Have you ever had a moment where you realized that something  you thought you had done, overcome, or gotten over was actually still eating away at you, ugly and unrestrained?  Well, I had one of those moments this weekend.  Our sermon series right now is called “Getting Past Your Past”, and let me tell ya, it’s not one I’ve been looking forward to.  My past is a mine field in so many ways, and, if I’m being honest, I was actually a little bit relieved last weekend when I spent every service in the wonderful yellow hallway full of kids & didn’t have to hear the message on overcoming labels.  This weekend, the topic was forgiving those who’ve hurt you.  Now, I have plenty of people in my past who have hurt me very deeply, but I wasn’t AT ALL prepared for what hit me as I sat in service.  My dad is the first person that comes to mind when I think of who has hurt me – and I spent years in counseling learning to get over that hurt and forgive him.  Even though I occasionally have moments that renew that hurt & remind me that forgiveness is something I have to do over and over again, I do feel as if I’ve moved past it most of the time & overcome that pain.  Unfortunately, as Craig & God spoke to me Sunday morning, I realized that while I had forgiven my dad, I had done so by blaming someone else – and now God wants me to forgive that person. 

Matthew 5:43-44 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’  But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,

I thought I was pretty good at forgiveness.  I’m not the type of person to hold grudges, and I have so much love in my heart that it overflows onto everyone around me, freely and genuinely, all the time.  Sure, it’s been hard to forgive my dad for abandoning and abusing me, but I pulled all that pain out, acknowledged it, cried for all I’ve lost, and forgave him.  But as I sat there telling myself that this message wasn’t really for me, that others in the room needed to hear it but I had it all covered, God smacked me right in the face with how wrong I was, and my eyes filled with tears.  You see, when I forgave my dad for abandoning & abusing me, I took every ounce of anger, resentment, and blame that I just couldn’t let go of, and placed it squarely onto his wife.  She wasn’t my mom, she was evil, & she doesn’t deserve forgiveness.  What she has done and continues to do is unforgivable, unexplainable, and unreasonable.  She is my enemy, and she persecutes me.  I have absolutely no desire to forgive her or love her.

But God says I must.

So, here I go.  I don’t know how long this will take, how many blog posts it will include, how many emotions I will cycle through, or what the end result will look like.  But I have to be obedient, so this is my first step. Pray for me?

Lord, I don’t know how I’m going to do this, especially right now.  It’s not a good time for me; I already have enough on my plate.  But you’ve proven to me over and over that your timing is perfect, not mine, so I’m trusting you again.  I don’t like her, & I don’t want to forgive her.  She doesn’t care if I forgive her, so why do I have to?  I know, I know…bitterness and love and all that.  I want more than anything to be like you, so I know I have to.  But I’m going to need your help. A lot. And I know you’ll be here for me. Help me feel you there.  I love you, & I thank you for exposing this to me so I can let go of the nasty, ugly feeling I get every time I hear her name.  Amen.