It took me 13 years to learn this...

My KayLynn!! How time has flown by since you made your grand entrance 13 years ago!  As I sat at my computer writing my happy birthday message to you on Facebook this morning, I had a revelation that was WAY too long for that status update, so I decided to give you a birthday blog post to share it with you. :-)

I know we tell you a lot that you are slow, and I know your natural tendency is to be late all the time.  Did you know that's how you've been all your life?  You were born over a week late (and I was very frustrated that you were taking so long).  You walked late, talked late, gave up your bottle late...it's just a part of who you are, and in spite of all the 'late' milestones, you are so smart, beautiful, and perfectly healthy.

So maybe being 'late' or 'slow' doesn't really matter as much as I thought it did.  Sure, when you take forever to finish your chores, or your homework, or whatever, I get frustrated - but I also get frustrated with God when He takes forever to answer my prayers, or is 'late' with a blessing, or seems to be ignoring me altogether. And if his timing is perfect.........that means mine isn't.  BOOM!! God made you different for a reason.  God made you exactly the way he wants you to be, and I believe he made you 'late' to help me to be patient and wait on Him, even when I think He's not moving fast enough.  I'm so glad he chose to give you to me!

My girl, you are amazing.  Being your mom has been such a blessing, and I pray that I can honor you, just the way God made you, while teaching you how to use your own special talents for His glory.  I pray that I can help you become the woman God wants you to be.  I know He has great plans for you, and I can't wait to find out what He does as you continue to grow.

Happy birthday, KayLynn Marie!!!

Every time I think of you

Well, it's been almost a week since I admitted to the world that I'm struggling, and the outpouring of support I've received has been amazing.  Your prayers, love, and words of encouragement are rejuvenating my spirit, and I can feel your prayers fighting the darkness that's trying to choke out my hope. In the past week, I've had some very low and hopeless days and hours, but I've also had some laughter and moments of positive emotion. I wish I could say that because of you, I'm all better, but that's just not what God has in mind, I guess.

So please, keep praying, and keep talking me through this. Pray that Cory can find the job that we know God has out there for him so that some of our stress can be alleviated, pray that he and the kids will feel God's love in the midst of all this, and pray that Holy Spirit can step in and allow me to be the mom and wife I need to be in spite of my inner turmoil. Pray that God will provide for our needs financially and give us strength to manage the resources he has given us in ways that will bring glory to Him.  And as you're praying, know that I'm praying, too, that you will know just how much each and every one of your prayers means to me.

Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my God. Philippians 1:3

So that his power may rest on me...

For several months now, I've been depressed. And I don't say that lightly - I'm not just sad, or overwhelmed, or stressed, I'm flailing in the throes of a full-blown depression. And lately it seems to be obvious to those who know me well. I'm trying to fight it (and some days I'm much more successful than others), but most days, I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment. It's such a strange and unsettling feeling to wake up every day and have to convince myself to actually crawl out of bed and live my life. I spend 10 minutes every single morning in a half-asleep conversation with God, asking him to remind me that I am loved, I am needed, and my life does matter, to give me strength to get through the day, and to help me find moments of joy to defeat the overwhelming hopelessness I feel.

So why am I putting this on my blog for the whole world to see? Because today is a 'good' day, and it's the first one I've had in at least a week. Today, I actually feel those moments of joy, and today, I believe that there are people in my little world who are glad I'm here. Today, my faith is stronger than my fears, and my God is compelling me to share. He's reminding me that although I am unworthy and imperfect, I'm not unloved and not alone. So today, I'm stepping out in faith. Today, I'm fighting the fear that admitting my struggles will make me seem weak or prompt others to take away the things that are most dear to me, and I'm trusting that my God's power is made perfect in my weakness. Today, I'm refusing to pretend that everything's fine, because I know that tomorrow, I may not have the strength to admit that I'm struggling. Will you pray for me?

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9