Yep, I'm crazy....

If you've been reading my blog, you know that a couple of weeks ago, I did something absolutely unexpected and quit serving in LifeKIDS. If you haven't read about that decision, you should! It's the post right before this one, titled "What did I just do?!?"
If you have, you know that when I felt led to stop serving, I had no idea why. I was confused and not exactly happy about leaving the ministry I love, and I couldn't imagine where God could be leading me. I also heard friends talking about their 'one word' for the year. I missed several weeks of church at the beginning of the year (boo to bronchitis!), so I wasn't sure what this 'one word' thing was all about. I caught up on all the messages I missed, and still couldn't figure it out, so I asked a friend, who also couldn't remember what message it was in (yeah, that made me feel better!) but she said that it was a word that sums up what God wants from you in 2013. Another friend had mentioned finding a verse to go along with that word. Well, I know my word! My word for 2013 is MORE. More sacrifice, more giving, more trust in God, more faith...the list could go on and on. My verse is Ephesians 3:20 - Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us... With that word and that verse in my heart, I've prayed that God will show me what 'more' he is leading me to. And boy, did he ever show me more!
Monday morning, I woke up with homeschooling on the brain. It's something that Cory and I have discussed many, many times over the last few years, and when Steven Furtick's book Sun Stand Still came out a couple of years ago, one of my Sun Stand Still prayers was for God to show me a way to homeschool KayLynn. My amazing 14-yr-old has severe ADHD, and school has never been easy for us. We fight, we get through tantrums and bad grades and angry teachers and missing work....it's been a never-ending struggle every year. I get frustrated because it's so stressful and seems to be a battle we'll never win, and because I feel like my brilliant child isn't really learning much - I can look at her failing grades and see that every single test grade is an A, yet she's failing because she won't do the assignments. She's so smart, and yet school is so difficult, and I've always known there HAS to be a better way. Homeschooling was something I didn't see as feasible, though - I work full time, Cory works full time, and it's not like we have a lot of wiggle room in our budget to pay for curriculum. So we'd talk, and we'd pray, and we'd toy with different ideas, never really finding a solution. 
Monday, though, my brain was flooded with ideas, and I was obsessed with the idea. I just couldn't let it go. I did some research, and God put exactly the right websites and information at my fingertips. My heart raced, my hope was high, and I was giddy with excitement to talk to Cory about everything I found. As we drove to pick up KayLynn & Aaron from their dad's after work, I talked nearly non-stop about it, and after about half an hour, we had decided that we were ready to do this for KayLynn and that we would discuss it with MoMo and Aaron. We felt that Aaron needed to stay in public school for now, and that MoMo could choose what she preferred. When KayLynn and Aaron were in the car, we asked them their opinions on homeschooling without telling them what we'd been discussing. Both immediately told us that they wanted to homeschool and tried to convince us that they should. By the time we got home and brought MoMo into the conversation, I was ready to start immediately! We spent the whole evening in family discussion and family prayer about it, and by 9pm, we had decided that Aaron and KayLynn would start immediately. We wanted MoMo to have the freedom to make her own decision, since she's old enough and mature enough to do so, and since she has succeeded in public school. By 10pm, she had decided she was done with public school, too, so I stayed up late writing a lesson plan for each of them for the next day. Thursday we went to each school and formally withdrew them, and we are now officially a homeschool family. The decision has been a whirlwind, but God has affirmed it so many times already! The stress level in our house immediately dropped dramatically. The kids are getting along better, spurred by the group activities and the lower stress level. School has become fun for them. Aaron was able to spend a couple of nights with Grammy and Grampy. They are already learning things they never would have learned in public school. I'm under no illusions that this will be easy or that there won't be days when the stress level returns, but I know we can succeed. I know that my God can do immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine - and my Sun Stand Still prayer has been answered. We are crazy, and we love it!

What did I just do?!?

No, seriously. What did I just do?!? Some decisions are so easy, and others, even when you know they're right, are so HARD!! Today I did something I never could have imagined I would do - I took myself out of LifeKIDS. And I'm still in shock. Here's an excerpt from the email I sent to the LifeKIDS team today asking them to take me off the schedule for at least two months:

My quiet times with God lately have been pushing me to re-evaluate what I’m doing and how I’m doing it, and to be honest, I’m not sure if he’s leading me to just take a break or if he’s leading me down a whole different path. I know I don’t feel that I’m living up to his calling for me in what I’m doing right now, and I’m not sure what I need to be doing instead. I am longing for more, for greater kingdom impact, for a higher level of true servanthood, for more sacrifice. Ultimately I always want to live for what he’s calling me to and not just what I love, because only in Him is my fulfillment...I’ve never been this unsure of my place before, and all I can think is that God is stretching me and using my vulnerability to just break me before him and lead me into whatever he wants me to be doing...

So there you have it. For the first time in years, I'm in a position of NOT knowing what God is calling me to do, not knowing where He wants me, not knowing how He wants to use me not just within LifeKIDS, or LifeChurch, or the church as a whole, but in His world. His community. Among His creation and His people. For the first time in I don't remember how long, I feel a deep longing to sacrifice more, to make a bigger impact, with NO clue of how to do it. I love that yellow hallway. I love the kids so much. I love the parents. I love the staff and am in awe of how God has put them so carefully in place at just the right moment in this ministry. I love the volunteers with all my heart. The yellow hallway has been my security, my sanctuary, my avenue for growth and development, and such a huge source of joy for so long that my heart hurts just thinking about being in the building and not being in that hallway. I can't remember what it feels like to just go to church without checking in there first, to be a part of the body outside of that hallway, that safe place, my comfort zone.

And yet, I know with no uncertainty that God is drawing me away from that zone. Where I'll end up, I have no idea. Maybe right back there? That would be awesome! So please, as I begin this very uncertain, and scary (for me anyway) journey into seeking more sacrifice, pray for me. Pray with me. Come hang out with me, or invite me to coffee, or lunch, or breakfast, or whatever. Fill my need for social interaction. Love me anyway. Feed me your ideas, your passions, your heart. Brainstorm with me. Tell me how I can help you. Share your burdens with me so I can use this time of awakening to benefit you and find what God is calling me to do.  This is what the Lord says—your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is good for you and leads you along the paths you should follow. Isaiah 48:17

Merry Christmas!! Our Christmas card and enclosed newsletter for all my blog readers.

Can you believe another year has come and gone?!? 2012 has brought a lot of big changes for our family, and we can’t wait to see what’s in store for us in 2013!!

Morgan is now at the high school and loving being a sophomore! She’s starting the process of learning to drive…I’m not sure I’m really ready for this.  She is still very active in the kids’ ministry at our church, and she is saving up for a mission trip. She would love to go to Africa and that is her goal. It will be a while, but she is already starting to save money and research places to go. She is also getting the opportunity to be in various clubs this year, including Art Club and Beta Club, and she continues to grow her babysitting business. Parents and kids both love her as much as we do!

KayLynn is now at the Jr High, and loves performing in choir. She is now also taller than Morgan and almost as tall as Cory! This year has had its ups and downs; you may have heard about the shooting at the Jr High earlier this year. KayLynn was good friends with the boy who shot himself, and we would definitely appreciate your prayers as we try to navigate how that affects KayLynn. Since she and Aaron also lost their Papa in June (their dad’s dad), there has been a lot of grief and many challenging moments for them both. This is their first holiday season without their Papa, and it is not easy for them. Please pray that they will feel uplifted and that we will know how to best support and encourage them through this.

Aaron is now at the Middle School and has begun playing the trumpet. He enjoys learning it and we enjoy hearing how far he has come from the beginning of the year. He is also very involved in the youth activities at our church and is transitioning well from ‘kid’ to ‘youth’. He is growing into a sweet young man, and judging from the size of his monster feet, it won’t be long before he’s taller than even me! He would love to have your prayers also, as losing his Papa has been a very difficult time for him. They were close, and he is taking it hard.

Our biggest and best piece of news this year, though, is that Cory got a wonderful job!! He is working in the repair department of a local company called the Worth Ave Group, so he spends his day repairing iPhones, iPods, iPads, computers, and various other electronics items. He gets to go to class in January to become Apple certified, and he absolutely LOVES his work! This is a huge blessing for our family and we are praising God for bringing him into this opportunity!

Speaking of jobs, I got a new one, too! I am now a patient account rep for Stillwater Medical Center, and I am really enjoying it. I started Dec. 3, so it’s still very new. The ladies I work with are fantastic, and there is a great group of prayer warriors here who not only work well together but also pray well together, and that is such a big deal! God is definitely leading our family down new and exciting paths!

As always, we love you and pray that you have a Merry Christmas and a blessed New Year! We hope to hear from you!

Lots of love and prayers,
Meredith, Cory, MoMo, KayLynn, and Aaron

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

I started a new job this week, and I absolutely LOVE it! I'm meeting new people, learning new things, and remembering why I always loved working in health care. On my first day in the office, as my boss took me around for a tour and to meet everyone, I discovered that I knew a lot of the people already and just had NO idea they worked there. I won't lie, it felt good to see them all welcome me with hugs and smiles, and to hear them tell my new boss all the things they love about me. So many conversations this week have led me to just close my eyes for a moment and thank God for his unfathomable goodness as I'm seeing His plans unfold in ways I never imagined. Overall, I am so happy and full of praises and joy this week. I feel like I'm being revived, rejuvenated, and reminded of things I hadn't even realized I'd forgotten. Things like how much I absolutely love to learn new things and how quickly I can learn. Like how much I enjoy people...their random quirks, their individual personalities, their uniqueness and their similarities, their joy for one another...it's infectious, and I love it. Starting my new life chapter this week has been very much an awakening for me, and I didn't even realize I'd been asleep.

Oddly enough, though, this all came at a really strange time. See, I'm what some would call a humbug, although I'm exponentially better than I used to be. Before I had kids, I was much more 'humbuggy' than I am now, although I must admit that I didn't put up a Christmas tree last year (and it doesn't look like I will this year either). So for me, the holidays are one of the WORST times to be around new people - they don't know my story, they don't know why I'm a humbug, and inevitably there are many who are over-the-top, Christmas-loving nuts (that's a term of endearment, btw, not an insult). At least twice this week I've had to explain, in the face of the Christmas cheer that most people find so contagious, that I don't really like holidays so I'm not excited to decorate or party or listen to carols. Of course, then they want to know why, so I have to pull out one of my generic answers about how it's a long story and that I'm really so much better now that I have kids, and then direct the conversation back to the Christmas lovers with a question about why they love it so much. I love hearing their answers, and we all leave the conversation smiling and full of the happiness they share by telling their stories. It's a win-win!

But for those who really do want to know why I don't like holidays, I'll tell you. If you don't like sad stories or started reading in hopes of hearing happy holiday memories, you might want to stop here. I don't mind, I promise. :-)

When I was 7, my life was very different than that of most kids my age. I lived with my dad, step mom, and half-sister in a nice house in the right neighborhood, faithful members of the local Christian church. My step mom played the organ on Sundays, and I'm sure everyone thought we were a sweet little blended family. Most people pitied me because of my mother's death two years earlier, and I'm sure many felt my step mom was a remarkable woman to have married a man with a child who she was now helping him raise. What most people didn't know was that she had absolutely no desire to have me in her life. When my mother died when I was 5, my stepmother was very angry and jealous because my father grieved my mother's death. They had been divorced for a couple of years, but I guess he still took it pretty hard. I was a constant reminder to my step mom that my dad had loved someone before he loved her, so in her eyes, I was the enemy. I spent my days locked in my bedroom or locked outside, playing alone, coloring, reading every book I had many times over, working puzzles repeatedly until I could time myself and challenge myself to get faster and faster. I didn't spend time with the family and was not a part of mealtime, and my 2-y-old sister was punished if she ventured into my room. My stepmother brought me a bowl of cereal every morning, a cheese or peanut butter sandwich for lunch, and another cheese or peanut butter sandwich for dinner. I had a cup under the bathroom sink that I was allowed to use for getting a drink of water and for rinsing my mouth out after brushing my teeth. On the days I had school, I ate like crazy, loving the warm meal and the companionship of the lunch ladies.

That Christmas, I was allowed to go spend some time with my mother's parents, my Grandma and Papa. My cousins were coming, too, and we spent our time playing, eating, and making Christmas goodies. Grandma was an excellent cook and made the most amazing gingerbread houses at Christmastime, so we all loved helping her in the kitchen and getting to assist with the decorating of the houses. We made candy, jelly, and pumpkin bread, and Grandma insisted on packing me a bag of goodies to take home. I knew I wouldn't be allowed to eat them, but she wouldn't accept that, so I got into my dad's car at their house, two days after Christmas, bag in hand. After I buckled up, I told my dad what was in the bag and that I knew I wasn't allowed to have it, but that I hoped he & my step mom and sister would enjoy it. His response was not what I expected, and I will never forget it:

"Well, you can take it with you to your new home tomorrow. You're not going to be living with me anymore."

Forget turning my world upside down - that one little response made it seem that the whole world was spinning into overdrive all around me. He told me that I'd be going to live with friends of theirs from church, and that they were very excited to have me because they'd always wanted children but never been able to have them.  And, he said, it would be a good new start for me because they were moving to a town farther away, so I would have a new school and a new life. And who cared about candy or gingerbread houses or pumpkin bread? I was being sent away by the only parent I had left, being discarded like an unwanted couch that someone else needed. If my daddy didn't want me, then how could I guarantee that these new people would want me for very long either? I thought I must be the worst kid in the world.

The next day, my daddy loaded my toy box and clothes into Steve & Anna's vehicle, and I was off. Words can't even begin to describe the pain and confusion I felt. Everything had changed in an instant, and what was supposed to be a happy season had just become completely wrong. I didn't want presents, or a tree, or cookies, or candy...I just wanted my daddy, and it was very clear that he didn't want me. I cried myself to sleep my first night in my new bed, despite Steve & Anna's best efforts to make me feel loved and wanted.

So, friends, if you ever really wanted to know why I'm not a Christmas person, I hope that helps you understand a little. After that Christmas, my life became one big mess, with many more holidays bringing sadness and pain, and only in the past 10 years have I been able to take that mess and allow God to create something beautiful. Now, I've let go of the anger and the pain has dulled, but the holiday season still brings a familiar ache to my heart, and this was what started my humbugs.

Thank you, Lord, for redeeming my mess. Thank you for taking the humbug spirit I carried around for so very long and dulling it, allowing me to derive joy from my kids and others who share their love of holidays. Thank you for giving me friends who hold me accountable when I get too humbuggy, and for friends who know how to comfort me and lift me up so I don't start to forget that my mess is now my message and I don't have to live in the shadow of my past. Thank you, most of all, for sending your son to earth to be born just so that he could die, all to save me from my sins and allow me to feel the richness of your grace. I love you, Lord, and I long to be a witness for you, an example of your healing power. Thank you, God, for my babies and for choosing me to be their mom in spite of my shortcomings. Help me lead them to grow with their roots firmly planted in you, focused on the wonderful plans I know you have for them. You are amazing God, my comforter, my strength, my Prince of Peace, and I praise you always. Amen.

Nineteen years

Nineteen years is a long time. Long enough for God to take a tiny egg and a tiny sperm and grow it into an adult. Long enough for a parent to become a grandparent. Long enough to be considered a long marriage. Long enough to spend in prison for murder, in many cases. For me, nineteen years was long enough to experience the divorce of my parents, the death of my mother, multiple types of abuse, estrangement from my father, at least 20 different homes, seven different schools, the death of all four of my grandparents, too many romantic relationships, graduating as valedictorian from my high school, and all the normal developmental milestones of walking, talking, reading, writing, driving. Nineteen years was also long enough for me to buy my first brand-new car, get pregnant, and learn the hard way why alcohol is not my friend.

Nineteen years is a long time. And yet, somehow, it's not long enough to erase my memory of the day that began the worst week of my life. The pain has dulled, and God has pulled me back from the depths I dropped myself into after that week, but the memories still remain.

It was a Sunday morning, and I had spent the night on Grandma's bed, praying, dozing, and crying out to God for her healing. I had sent Papa to bed after he sat me down and showed me the lockbox with all their important documents and given me instructions for dividing up the possessions in their home. I only half listened, wondering why he would be showing me all those things when Grandma was the one on the brink of death and he was fine. When I heard from the family members who had gathered there to pray that Papa was up, I left Grandma's side to go say good morning and make sure he got breakfast.

As I walked into the living room, I saw my aunt poised by the phone and Papa standing in the doorway to the kitchen. He was clutching his arm and trying to fish his wallet out of his pants, telling my aunt that the ambulance phone number was in his wallet and something was wrong. I told her to call 911 (I was probably too loud and a bit rude) and immediately rushed to Papa's side. I took his arm and began to help him walk across the room to his chair, still dazed by the events I didn't expect. After two steps, he fell, and I knew. The man I loved, the only man who had been in my life for all of my 16 years on this earth, was gone. When the ambulance arrived and the paramedics began their work, I just wanted them to stop. I knew it was over, and when we got the call from the hospital telling us the inevitable, they confirmed what I knew. His heart had burst, and there was no way he could have survived that regardless of what they did.

Two days later, on Wednesday, Grandma followed him to heaven. Friday, we had a funeral for them both. That was nineteen years ago.

Nineteen years is a long time. Sometimes, I wish it was long enough to make me forget. Other times, I'm glad I remember, because I can't imagine living my life without being able to close my eyes and see his smile, hear his voice, feel his love for me.

Today as I remember the man I lost so long ago, I am comforted by the words of 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14:

And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died.

Momma, he was my friend.

September 26, 2012 - This morning, I heard words that struck pure terror into my heart. As I arrived at my office, a friend from the nearby town of Perkins said, "Did you hear? There's been a shooting at one of the Stillwater schools."

At that time of the morning, school had just begun for my kids and they should all have been in their first hour classes - Morgan at the high school, KayLynn at the junior high, and Aaron at the middle school. My heart dropped into my stomach as my brain imagined each one of them in grave danger. I dug into my purse for my phone, only to discover I'd left it at home. My babies were in trouble, and I couldn't even call or text them to make sure they weren't hurt. It seemed like an eternity passed before I found out which school the shooting occurred at and what happened. As details trickled in, we learned that a 13-year-old male student had shot himself in the head in the 'Pit" area of the junior high. The kids were put on lockdown and then evacuated to a nearby shopping center parking lot for parents to pick up.

It was like a nightmare. Our kids were safe, but someone's child wasn't. Another mother was learning that her son had not only been shot and killed at school, but also that he was the one who pulled the trigger. Other mothers were comforting their hysterical children, all witnesses to the brutality of a gunshot wound to the head, right in the common area of their school.

When I got to see my KayLynn and talk to her this evening, she told me about her friend Cade. She says he was funny and loved to tell jokes, and that whenever someone was upset in their circle of friends, Cade was the one to cheer them up. In middle school, he was popular; kids loved his sense of humor and affectionately called him "Carrot Top" because of his curly red hair and comedy skills. I asked her if he was popular at the junior high too, since this was their first year there, and her voice changed. "Well, mom, people change when you get to jr high. He had friends, I was his friend, and all my friends were, but it's just different here," she explained. She told me how their little group had all planned to have a party at Pizza Hut this afternoon and how excited Cade was about it. She told me how he had come to Switch the week before and rededicated his life to Christ, and how he told her he couldn't wait for Switch this week. She talked about Cade's smile, his laugh, and how much fun he was to be around. "Mom, he was just really a great kid," she said, and she began to cry.

"Mom?"
"Yes, sweet girl?"
"I saw him this morning. Mom, I could see the sadness in his eyes; it was like his eyes were just full of this deep sadness that I'd never seen before. And Mom?"
"Yes, sweetheart?"
"I saw a bulge under his shirt. I didn't know, Mom. I didn't know it was a gun. I said hi, but he just walked away, and I didn't know he had a gun,"
"Oh, Honey, there's no way you could have known."
"But, Mom, I should have stopped him." At this, my beautiful, precious, innocent KayLynn buried her head into my shoulder and began crying, She looked up at me with tears rolling down her face and bloodshot eyes, and she said "Momma, he was my friend."

As I held my 13-yr-old baby in my lap, she cried. I didn't know how to help her, so I cried too. I looked into her little upturned, tear-streaked face and told her that she could not have stopped this, that this was not her fault, and that she was a good friend to Cade. I told her that she didn't do anything wrong, and then I just held her and we cried together.

I can't fix this. I can't take away her pain, her memories of the gunshot sound, or the way her stomach churned at the overpowering smell of blood. I can't tell her why, or promise her nothing like this will ever happen again. All I can do is cry with her and pray that God will heal us all.

Cade's mom, if you ever read this, I want you to know that I love you. I don't know you, but my daughter knew your son, and my heart breaks for your pain. Please know that just like it's not my KayLynn's fault that this happened, it's not your fault either. I can't fix this for you, but please know that I am crying with you and praying that God will comfort and heal you.

Jr High students, if you read this, I want you to know that I love you too, whether I've ever met you or not. I have a God who fills my heart with love for each and every one of you, and I'm praying that He will touch your lives and bring beauty from your pain. I don't care if you're a cool kid, a nerdy kid, a drama kid, a bully, or a pothead. When I look at you, that's not what I see. I see wonderfully made boys and girls full of potential to change the world, and I love you.

My KayLynn, when you read this, I want you to know that I love you most of all. My beautiful angel, you did nothing wrong. You couldn't have stopped this, and you don't deserve the guilt you feel. You are God's child, His masterpiece, and He will lift you through this to become the world-changer he knows you can be. When you hurt, I am here. When you remember and need to talk, I am here. When you're overwhelmed with grief and need to cry, I am here. And when you're happy, because it is absolutely ok for you to be happy, I'm here to smile and laugh with you. I will never leave you, baby girl, and more than that, God will never leave you. I love you more than all the raindrops in a cloud.

What's your number?

If you've spent extensive time at my house and with my family, you'd know exactly what it means when we say, "What's your number?"

In our house, we measure pain on a scale of one to ten. Migraine pain, back pain, headache pain, belly pain...you name it, and you better be able to give it a number. When our good family friends had a bad car accident and we had an extra son for a week or so, he made the question into a joke since it wasn't something he had ever been asked and we did have to ask him that A LOT to determine what meds he needed. Numbering our pain allows us to know when medications are needed and what kind, as well as when to be concerned or call the doctor. It also gives the person in pain some perspective on what they're feeling. When we give our pain a number, we stop focusing on how much it hurts and define limits for controlling it.

Since I get migraines often, my husband (and my kids!) have gotten really good at knowing when I have one. Apparently they can see it in my eyes, which is really frustrating for me. There are many days when I'd rather just lie and say my head doesn't hurt, simply because I get so tired of having a headache all the time. I figure if  I don't tell anyone, then it doesn't count. If I can hide the pain, then I don't really have a migraine and I'm perfectly normal. Of course, that doesn't work for very long - eventually, the pain escalates, and my body taps out. Before I know it, I've gone from a manageable 3 to a miserable 7, all because I didn't want to admit that I was hurting. Since I'm so stubborn, my family has learned to stop asking me if I have a headache when they can see the pain in my eyes, and instead they ask, "What's your number?" With that one little question, they make it clear to me that they know I'm hurting and they want to help. It's like giving me permission to be in pain and to share it with them instead of holding onto it alone.

So what if we asked "What's your number?" more often? What if, instead of just applying the question to physical pain, we also applied it to emotional pain? What if those numbers came with treatments and limits, just like our physical pain numbers? Our emotional pain is so much easier to hide, so much easier to ignore....and so much more destructive when left untreated. Even the physical signs of emotional pain are easy to ignore - we can say we're tired, or sick, or hungry, or any number of other excuses to hide the fact that our emotional pain level is so high that it's affecting us physically. We don't want to burden others with our problems, so we stuff it down and put on a smile while we die a little inside. Our hearts are crying out for someone to see, someone to care, someone to realize that we need comfort, restoration, sympathy, affection, love. 

Dear children, let's not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. 1 John 3:18

Who can you show the truth to today, just by asking that one little question..."What's your number?"