Funeral Etiquette

WARNING: Do NOT read this post if you are looking for a feel-good, happy, thankful post. I am angry, I am hurting, I am grieving, I am irritable. While some of this may be judgmental or catty, most is actually useful advice...

FUNERAL ETIQUETTE

• No matter how casual the dress code, see-through is never an appropriate choice. No one wants to see your underclothes (or lack of them) while burying a loved one.
• If you’re not sure what to say, just say ‘I’m sorry.’ They may not be the most eloquent words, but the family probably won’t remember what you say to them anyway. Nothing you can say will make them truly feel better, but your words can make them feel worse.
• Carry plenty of tissues and offer them freely. The ones provided by the funeral home are like tissue paper and are not ideal for wiping eyes, noses, or anything else.
• You will be uncomfortable. Deal with it. Everyone else is sitting in the same hard chairs, or standing in the same cold wind, just like you. Funerals are not designed for comfort.
• If someone offers you a funeral program or anything else the family has chosen to hand out, just take it. If you refuse, you look like an inconsiderate jerk.
• Don’t talk during the service. Ever. Nothing you have to say is that important.
• If the deceased person has done you the honor of raising your child(ren) for you, you need to be at the funeral. Here are a few special guidelines, just for you:
• First, show up, sit down and shut up. Honor the person who filled your shoes by respecting the rest of the family.
• Your child is grieving. Comfort them. Do not roll your eyes at your child. Do not expect your child's natural love for you to overcome the loss they are feeling.
• If your child has a meltdown, you should be the FIRST person to get up and check on them. If they don't want your comfort, go check on them anyway.
• Your child just lost a parent. This is your opportunity to step back in and BE a parent, even if only for an hour or two. Consider it a blessing to be there, not a burden.
• If you can't manage to behave appropriately, just stand up in the middle of the service, walk to the casket, and take a bow. You have officially managed to make someone else's funeral all about you. Side note: don't be surprised if you somehow don't find out about the next family funeral until AFTER it's over.
• If you can’t manage to attend, send flowers. Or a plant. Or both. Better yet, do both AND show up. There are very, very few legitimate excuses for not showing up.
• If you don’t like the music, the preacher, the casket, the flowers, or anything else, keep your opinion to yourself. Even if you’re family. ESPECIALLY if you’re family.
• Ladies, wear waterproof mascara, even if you think you won’t need it.
• Wear comfortable clothing. If attending a graveside service, don't wear heels. I've made this mistake. Just trust me; I'm the queen of awkward, and tripping at a funeral is definitely embarrassing.
• If you send flowers, include the name of the person you want to have them afterward. Dividing them up is the first thing the family has to do after the service, and naming the person you're sending to on the card prevents unnecessary bickering at a time when emotions are running high.
• If your name is listed in the obituary, defer to everyone whose name is listed before yours. This greatly reduces the aforementioned emotional bickering.
• If the people whose name is listed before yours in the obituary are being unreasonable and not listening to you, refer to the above statement. Repeat as often as necessary. I promise, the memories of your loved one are the ones you want to hold on to, not the details of their funeral service or the disagreements about dividing up their belongings.
• If your name is not mentioned in the obituary, defer to everyone who is. Always.
• It's OK to laugh. It's OK to be glad to see family members you don't often visit. Enjoy the happy moments, because there will be plenty of unhappy ones too. 
• If you are fortunate enough to be a part of the family lunch hosted by the church, thank those who prepare and serve it. They are honored to host this for you, and your gratitude reminds them what a blessing they are.
• Don't fall victim to comparison. Your relationship with your loved one was not the same as your sister's, or your cousin's, or your uncle's, or anyone else's. You're all hurting. Support one another.
• Wait a week or two after the service and send (or give) a card to someone whose name is listed in the obituary. The first month (or few months) is hard on close family members as life around them goes back to ‘normal’. 
• If you're conflicted about whether or not you should go to the funeral, go. 
• Don't assume that once the funeral is over, the family is fine. As life goes back to 'normal', they are still grieving. If you can do something for a close family member in the months after the death, do it! Take them a meal, plan an outing, take their kids out for ice cream...whatever is appropriate for the relationship you have and the things they appreciate.
• Don't judge. Everyone grieves in different ways, and for different amounts of time. There is no right or wrong way to go on with life after losing someone you love.
• Have a plan. The least stressful funerals for families are the ones that have already been planned and/or paid for. Even if you can't pay for it, make a plan and a will, and make sure your family knows where to find it.

 

Dallas Alic "Shorty" Standridge

Dallas Alic “Shorty” Standridge, 84, went to be with his heavenly father on October 18, 2013. He was born on April 9, 1929 in Ralston, OK. Shorty married the love of his life, Blanche Virginia Beyl, on October 15, 1954, and together they shepherded and loved five children, ten grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren. He was ordained a deacon at Gilcrease Baptist Church in Tulsa, OK. Later in life he could be found at the north doors of Olivet Baptist Church every week, greeting all who entered with a smile and handshake. He was blessed to be able to welcome worshipers even after he began to be affected by Alzheimer's, up until about 6 weeks before his death. Shorty extended the love of Jesus to everyone he met and was a wonderful spiritual leader to his family. Everyone who knew him was touched by his warm smile, his sense of humor, and his ornery side. At Christmas, he enjoyed telling the story of his 'penny sucker' each year, and his children and grandchildren never failed to make sure he had a bag of suckers to share with everyone. When he was a child, his father and uncle had only three pennies between the two of them to provide Christmas gifts for their children. Because three of the children were old enough to understand the significance of gifts, the brothers pooled their pennies and purchased one penny sucker for each of the three so that they would not have to go without. Shorty used that experience as a lesson to always be thankful for what you have, even if it is only a 'penny sucker'.

Shorty will be greatly missed by his family and friends. He leaves behind his wife, Virginia, of the home, his children: Ann Brunken, of Maramec, Dee Lancaster and her husband Bobby, of Tulsa, Shorty Wayne Standridge, of Tulsa, Kay Imhoff and her husband Merle of Tulsa, and Meredith Beyl Been and her husband Cory, of Stillwater. He is also survived by his grandchildren: Richard Sanders and Cherie Johnson, of Terlton, Daniel Lancaster, of Tulsa, John Sanders, of Pawnee, Lacie Lancaster and her husband Brady Bonner, of Tulsa, Danielle Imhoff, of Tulsa, Morgan Been, of Stillwater, and KayLynn and Aaron Creager, of Stillwater, as well as three great-grandchildren: Charlene, Samantha, and Cody Johnson, of Terlton, two sisters, Bonnie and Lois Standridge of Mannford, and many friends and extended family members. Shorty was preceded in death by his 

parents, one sister, one brother, and one nephew. He worked for Rockwell International for 26 years and was an active member of the UAW for 50 years.

The family will be at Olivet Baptist Church in Tulsa on Tuesday, October 22, from 1-2pm, to welcome all who would like to share memories or express condolences, and his funeral service will follow graveside at Oak Hill Cemetery in Mannford at 3:30pm. Mannford Funeral Home is handling the arrangements. In lieu of flowers, the family requests that donations be made to the Alzheimer's Association in Shorty's honor.

Day 3 - ADHD and Fever

I realize it's actually day five, but I missed the last two days (thank you, my thorn in the flesh) and something in my brain just won't let me skip to match the date. Sooooo.....day three it is!
This morning, my amazingly wonderful hubby had to drive KayLynn & Aaron's dad's house to pick up KayLynn. She had texted me several times through the night and early morning to tell me how awful she felt and how sick she was. Now, if this had been EITHER of my other two kids, I would have sympathized but not worried - they both inherited my allergy problems, so congestion, drainage, and even puking are pretty normal for the three of us. KayLynn, however, manged to avoid that gene. I honestly think I could count on one hand the number of times she's been legitimately sick, and since she's 14, that's pretty impressive. When she was little, my best friend Jenn and I used to joke that our ADHD children were the healthiest kids we knew because the germs just couldn't catch them. Seriously. Everyone else in the house could be miserable with the flu, and KayLynn would still be bouncing off the walls, talking, singing, laughing, playing, and getting in to everything. As she's gotten older, that's been VERY helpful, since she can put all that energy to good use helping to take care of the rest of us.

Oddly enough, though, when KayLynn does get sick, it doesn't affect her the same way it would any of us. If she has a fever, she's amazingly normal. Calm, coherent, focused, and she'll even sleep (a little) without medication. The first time she ever had the flu, I knew that she was sick when she remained lying down on the Dr's office waiting room couch for the full ten minutes we waited, then walked calmly back with me. If you have a child with ADHD, you know how remarkable that is! It was such a strange thing to watch - when the ibuprofen/tylenol I gave her brought the fever down, she was just as energetic as ever, despite her body's obvious cues that she needed rest. As the fever rose, she became calmer, more focused, less whiny, and was able to give her body the rest it needed. At that time, her pediatrician told me that fever itself is not bad for her, as long as it's not too high, so he suggested I just keep her well hydrated and resting, and only give her medication to lower the fever if it rose above 101. DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor, nor am I vouching for this advice for everyone. But it did (and still does) work for us. Now that she is older, we let her help set the tone of when to take Tylenol or ibuprofen, and she generally will choose not to take it unless her 'feeling bad' hits a certain threshold. We have learned that she seems to recover from viruses more quickly than the rest of us, as long as she takes a full day or two to actually rest - and sometimes that means letting her remain unmedicated while she's feverish, then ensuring she is properly medicated (with her Concerta and her Clonidine for sleep) after that, to make it possible for us to monitor her activity and make sure she rests. Once the fever is gone, she becomes her usual bouncy self, so the Concerta is vital to allowing us to be successful at getting her to rest. We can get her started on a good book, and anime show, a computer game, or something similar, and then she is more than willing to drink more fluids, eat like she needs to , and REST her body as her brain remains engaged. Sure, one of us needs to stay with her, even though she's old enough to stay alone. If we didn't keep her focused on caring for herself, she'd forget to take medication when she needs it, forget to drink to stay hydrated, forget to eat, and even get distracted and decide to act out a game or start dancing, without remembering that she's sick, until she passes out or suddenly throws up. According to this story in ADDitude magazine, http://www.additudemag.com/adhdblogs/4/5192.html, I am not alone!! And this isn't the only article I found discussing this issue. It seems that fever may, in fact, impact the ADHD brain in a positive way - allowing the ADHD symptoms to subside or decrease while the fever is present. I'm praying for scientific research on this soon - if we can figure out WHY our kids' brains are different when they have a fever, maybe we can find a way to pinpoint a new treatment. How exciting would that be?!?

Day Two - Babies, babies, babies!

We've all heard about birth plans, right? In our medically advanced country, we are encouraged to choose our childbirth style within days of discovering that a fetus is growing in our bellies. Natural childbirth? Scheduled C-Section? VBAC? Epidural? Hospital birth or home birth? Doctor, midwife, doula? Water birth? If you're already a mother, will your kids get to watch? What about your family and friends? Will you film the birth? Take pictures? If it's a boy, will you circumcise him? What about immunizations? Will you breastfeed and for how long? The options are endless. What we don't usually imagine, however, is seeing our newborn baby on oxygen.

Approximately 10% of newborns require assistance to begin breathing at birth. While most infants begin breathing very quickly, a condition called birth asphyxia occurs when a baby's brain and other organs do not get enough oxygen before, during, or right after birth. Birth asphyxia occurs in about four out of every 1,000 full term births, more frequently in preterm births, and can have many causes - umbilical cord problems, the mother's blood pressure, or a very long or difficult delivery, to name a few. Until recently, this would have had no relevance at all when discussing ADHD. In December of 2012, however, a Kaiser Permanente study revealed that birth asphyxia is associated with a 26% greater risk of developing ADHD, regardless of race or ethnicity. This is a HUGE breakthrough for me personally! For years, I've wondered if this had ever been studied. My KayLynn, whose ADHD is severe, had a difficult birth and was on oxygen for about an hour after delivery. From the day she was born, I knew there was something different about her, and she has always been my most demanding, difficult, impulsive, and unpredictable child. She climbed before she walked, rarely slept more than four hours at a time even as a toddler, and never seemed to slow down. She was diagnosed with ADHD a few months before she turned four, which is practically unheard of, and yet no one who knows her would deny that the diagnosis is accurate. While I am sure that her difficult birth is not the cause of her condition, I am also sure that the amount of time her brain was deprived of oxygen did contribute to its severity. No birth plan could have changed that or predicted the crazy wonderfulness that is our life now.
Just like seeing our sweet baby on oxygen is something we don't want to imagine, domestic violence during pregnancy is a sight we wish we could ignore. Unfortunately, one out of every six pregnant women has been a victim of intimate partner violence. Domestic violence is more common than any other health problem among pregnant women, and in many abusive relationships, pregnancy can trigger an increase in violence. As a result, many battered women do not receive adequate prenatal care. These women may be manipulated by their partners into not seeing a doctor, convinced that they don't need or don't deserve appropriate care, too frightened to seek medical attention, or  too ashamed to run the risk of a doctor discovering their situation. Domestic violence is motivated by a need for power and control, and as a result, pregnant women are reluctant to leave their partners out of fear that they will be unable to support themselves and their baby. Even if her abuser refrains from physically injuring her while she is pregnant, the victim is often subjected to financial abuse, deprived of adequate nutrition or basic needs, or berated and emotionally battered on a daily basis. The effects of domestic violence during pregnancy are heartbreaking and can have devastating effects on both mother and baby.  The number one and number two causes of women's death during pregnancy are domestic homicide and suicide (which is often tied to abuse). If you are in an abusive relationship, whether you're pregnant or not, please get help! Leaving is not easy - and neither is sharing a child with someone who has hurt you - but both are healthier and better for you AND your child than staying in a violent relationship. Take it from me, it IS possible to break the cycle and become a survivor instead of a victim!

October = Awareness, Day One!

In case you didn't know, October is the 'awareness' month for a LOT of causes, and most well-known is probably breast cancer. This month, you can find just about anything in pink, and so much has been done for breast cancer research and support because of that little pink ribbon. In my world, though, there are a couple of causes that are more near and dear to my own heart and life that also claim October as their awareness month. My goal is to share some facts or stories every day in October about these and see if I can teach you (and myself!) something new!

First, October is domestic violence awareness month. I am a survivor of domestic abuse many times over, and I was blessed to get to help others make the transition from victim to survivor when I worked for a domestic violence shelter. This month, I will share statistics and facts, maybe a personal story or two, and ways you can make a difference. Domestic violence is a very real problem in America and around the world, with very real and damaging effects on victims, families, communities, and even the economy.

Second, October is ADHD Awareness month. This is an issue that is very, very real and present for me every day, because the 13-yr-old beauty I homeschool, love, and raise is severely affected. I have learned SO much about being a good parent, an intentional parent, a creative parent, a guilt-ridden parent, an embarrassed parent, a frustrated parent, and more because I am her mom. ADHD is a real condition, with real affects on the brain, and the lives of my brilliant but misunderstood daughter and of our entire family are different, better, because of this disorder. I can't wait to see how this month unfolds and what God puts on my heart to share!!
Father, bless this month and the project I'm beginning. Give me the right quotes and studies, the right statistics, the right words of encouragement for those who read this blog. Bring me a greater understanding of both domestic violence and ADHD, and allow me to share that understanding with others so that I can shine your light of love, hope, and restoration over these issues. Thank you for leading me through these situations so that I can be your hands and feet to others who haven't yet found peace and safety. Thank you for blessing me with KayLynn and opening my eyes to the challenges and wonders that come from her mind. Thank you for trusting me to guide her and develop her, to help her grow and learn, and to shepherd her through the battles of her disease. We love you!

Not my usual letter

Mom,

If you were still alive, I'd probably be spending the next week planning a big 60th birthday party for you. Instead, I've been in complete inner turmoil thinking about you. To be honest, I'm really, really angry with you, and that bugs me. I feel like there's something very wrong about being angry with a dead person. Your birthday, the day I always write you a letter telling you how much I love and miss you, is in six days - and all I can think about is how angry I am with you for dying.

Yep, I said it. I'm angry with you for dying. I know, I know, you didn't crash the car into that tree, and you didn't leave the house that morning intending to never come home. And yet, your death was a direct consequence of your choices. Unfortunately, instead of your choices creating consequences for you, they created consequences for everyone who loved you. Your choices have also created so many questions I wish I could ask you. Why did you choose to ride with your friend that day instead of driving to work? Why did you marry a man who abused you and your daughter and allow him to do the things he did? Why did you choose drugs and sex over your child and your marriage? Those are questions that I will never know the answer to. Never. No one else can tell me those things. Those who knew you then could guess, or make excuses for you, but only you have the answers.

I love you so much my heart could burst sometimes. I long for just one day with you, one mother-daughter date with me as the daughter instead of the mother, one good, tearful shouting match. Is it weird that I want to fight with you? Everyone I know fights with their moms sometimes; I can't think of a single person I know (my own daughters included) who hasn't had a knock-down, drag-out, 'I can't stand you' fight with their mom at some point in their lives. And yet, when the fight is over and the emotions less heightened, the love remains. And the love...oh the love. A mother's love is divine. Unconditional, generous, endless, and filled with longing to give her child more that she herself has ever had. I love my children so much that there is nothing they could ever do to make me love them less. When they screw up, I just want to fix it and hold them until they feel better. When they do something well, I can't stop talking about it and my heart is overwhelmed with awe. When someone hurts them, I want to defend and protect them. When we fight, I cry because I fear that they'll never understand why I've done whatever it is that makes them so angry, and because I fear that I've done something wrong as a parent because they aren't perfect. Their success, their failure, their pain, their joy, I feel it all as if it were my own. There is nothing in this world I wouldn't give up for any one of them.

So what I really don't understand, mom, what I'm really, really angry about, is why you didn't feel all of those things for me. Why was my dependence on you not enough to keep you from choosing a path of drugs? Why was my innocence not valuable enough for you to protect? Why was my faith in you not enough to motivate you to make better choices? What was it that made me unworthy? Why was I not enough?

I'm still hoping and praying that by Friday, I'll be ready to write you a better birthday letter, one that isn't full of anger and questions. For now, though, this is all I have. I don't know where you're spending eternity, but I pray that was one choice you got right and that I will see you in Heaven. I love you, mom, and miss you always.

Meredith Lee

My Marriage Top Ten

When I have a migraine, it's like my brain is in nonsensical overdrive. I can't stop thinking, talk too much, and don't make much sense at all. It's like a bouncy ball has taken up residence in my brain, ricocheting from one thought to another and creating pain with every bounce. Tonight, my thoughts wandered to the epic fight my hubby and I had Wednesday night. Thinking about the fight made me wonder how in the world I can be giving relationship advice to ANYONE when I just behaved like that, which led to Bible reading to find words of wisdom. I started thinking about all the different tidbits of relationship advice that I've passed on to others, wondering if they would still think my advice was good if they had witnessed that fight. We were both definitely not following our own advice! As I was reading, I came upon this verse: Turn from evil and do good, seek peace and pursue it. Psalm 34:14

Seems pretty simple, right? Turn from evil. Do good. Seek peace. Pursue it. Whoa...wait a minute....pursue it? That one little word makes it seem that peace isn't something we can just find and keep - it's something we have to pursue, to chase, to work at. If the Bible tells us to pursue peace, that makes me think that sometimes we won't be successful. Sometimes, we may lose it, and then we have to start chasing it again. Maybe, just maybe, our epic fight wasn't a sign that we are failures at marriage and unqualified to give advice. Maybe it was just a sign that we need to keep pursuing peace and encouraging others to do the same. Maybe we aren't qualified to advise others, but God is - and when we give advice, we earnestly pursue God's wisdom and try not to give our opinions, but instead God's inspirations. Our advice isn't our own, but instead it's Holy Spirit speaking through us. Or at least that's our goal. So with that in mind, here are my top 10 recommendations for strengthening your marriage. And mine. :-)

1. Pursue peace. When we focus on pursuing peace, we aren't focusing on being right, or on making our grievances heard. When I choose to focus on pursuing peace, I give my husband extra grace and leeway if I can tell he's having a bad day. If my goal is peace, I don't try to make him see what a jerk he's being - I just try to make him feel better so he can get over his funk in his time. Sure, it means I have to be less sensitive and more forgiving, but if I give up my right to be offended, epic fights are much less likely.
2. Never forget that my spouse is my number two. Cory is second only to God on my priority list - ahead of my kids, my friends, even myself. If that's true, he deserves more grace, more patience, more forgiveness, and more tolerance from me than anyone else. I'd never dream of not forgiving my kids when they upset me, even if they're intentionally being disrespectful, defiant, or disobedient. If I can give that kind of unconditional love to them, he deserves it even more.
3. Respect that my husband and I are one person, in two bodies. This one is hard! I was a single mom for so long that I have a tendency to want to take charge and make decisions (like letting the kids go places) without getting his opinion. Because I am a survivor of child abuse and domestic violence, I assert my independence often and resist vigorously if I feel like I'm being told what to do. Genesis 2:24 tells me that...a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. When I don't respect that, or he doesn't, we have conflict. Every time.
4. Have faith in him, even when I'm inwardly skeptical. In our marriage, I am the planner and the risk analyst, and Cory is the spontaneous risk-taker. When he has an idea, he sees the endless possibilities it could bring, while I see the obstacles that could cause failure. Sure, it's frustrating when he wants to spend money we don't have on some new business venture that he KNOWS will be his calling, but I've learned that if I can have faith in him and present my logical concerns in a loving way, leaving the final decision to him, he usually makes the right choice. No matter what, he knows that I'm not trying to suppress his unbelievable creativity, and I'm loving my husband for the unique person he is. The impact of that on our relationship is worth more than any amount of money.
5. View our differences as complimentary instead of confrontational. Cory and I are like two pieces of an intricate puzzle - put us together the wrong way, and we just don't fit. Line up the pieces right, and we complement each other to create a beautiful picture. I can choose to be frustrated that he can envision a grand plan without even thinking about the little steps that pave the way, or I can choose to be glad I don't have to come up with the big vision and fill in the details of the little steps for him.
6. Brag about him to others, whether he can hear me or not. The way I speak about my husband when he's not around speaks volumes about my commitment to our marriage. Have you ever met a couple who's been married for 50 years or more? I've met a few, and one thing I've noticed about every single one of them is that when I ask one spouse about the other, they speak only good. I'm sure they've had their share of epic fights, but they don't draw others into them. Double bonus? When I am intentional about sharing the wonderful parts of my husband with others, my own focus naturally shifts to what I love about him & I become less frustrated by the little things he does that drive me crazy.
7. Don't say 'I told you so' or any variation of it. There are plenty of people in his life that will play that card, and I shouldn't be one of them. Chances are, he already knows I was right and me rubbing it in only makes him feel worse about whatever his failure is. Instead, I want to be sympathetic and encouraging, his assistant in fixing the problem and moving forward.
8. Let him be the spiritual leader. I'll admit, this one is really tough for me. I have more Bible knowledge and more years of experience living for Christ, and early in our marriage I was the one who led the kids spiritually. However, I've learned that when I let him lead and support his efforts, his confidence grows and God leads him to do things I wouldn't have ever thought of doing. Empowering Cory lets him grow in faith, confidence, and as a leader, and in turn, I get to relinquish some of the load. It's absolutely amazing how good it feels to hear him lead our family using scriptures I've taught him or passages we've discussed!
9. Never stop dating. Whether it's a trip to the gas station, a dinner out, or a full weekend of time alone, it's important. If we don't take time to date, we can go an entire week or more and not talk about anything except our jobs, our kids, and what to eat. On dates, we put our phones away and focus on each other., which leads to both of us feeling like the other cares enough to listen to whatever silly or boring story we tell.
10. Make family time a priority. We have 'family night' at least once a week. No matter what we're doing, we spend the evening together. No one is allowed to go play in their rooms, and no one is allowed to be on their phone/laptop/tablet/gaming system. Even if we're just having dinner and watching TV, we're showing our kids that family matters. After all, one day they'll have families of their own, and we're laying the groundwork for them to be active parents instead of uninterested ones. The weeks we don't have family night, everyone in our house becomes more sensitive, more crabby, more easily offended. Making time for ourselves as a family keeps us all from being overscheduled, overstressed, and underappreciated, which leads to a happier home, happier kids, happier mom, happier dad, and stronger marriage. Who knew America's Got Talent could be a key to keeping a family running smoothly?!?