I miss you so much. This week, I held my sobbing son as he lost his Papa, and I thought of how it felt the day I lost you. While I did my best to comfort him and dry his tears, my heart ached because I know that nothing I do or say can ever completely take away his pain. Even now, almost 20 years after losing you, there are days when I miss you so much it hurts. I will never forget how angry I was that no one called 911 while you were fumbling for the hospital phone number and holding your arm, or how my heart felt like it was ripping in two when you fell from my grasp. The moment you stopped leaning on me and fell to the floor, I knew you were gone. As I watched the paramedics work on you, tubes and equipment everywhere, I felt hollow, empty, and lost because I knew there was no hope. I don't know how I knew when your spirit left your body, but I did. Losing you made me so numb inside - I had come to your house that weekend expecting to lose Grandma, but never in my worst nightmares had I ever imagined burying you both at the same time. My world changed forever when I felt your cold, lifeless hand in that casket, when I woke up from sleep knowing that Grandma was gone too, when I saw you both in your caskets at the front of the church, when I stood in the bitter cold and the funeral director gave me your & grandma's eyeglasses...I was 16, but inside I wanted my life to end with yours.
If I hadn't loved you so much, it might not have been such a hard week for me. I was always your little girl! I remember how you used to let me "help" you fix lawn mowers and follow you around everywhere. Your favorite candy bar was Butterfinger, so mine was too. You doted on me, and I doted right back. The day my mom died, you were the one who caught me and held me when I had run and screamed until I could run and scream no more. You wrapped me in your strong arms and held me as I fought against you with all the strength my angry, confused 5-year-old body could muster. You were my Papa, and you loved me always and forever, unconditionally.
Did you know I still instinctively reach for peppermints when my stomach is upset? You taught me that. When Grandma was in the nursing home and my stomach was churning, you gave me Starlight Mints and told me that peppermint is one of the best remedies for an upset stomach. You were right! You taught me to love Frito chili pie (still one of my favorites), strawberry pop (Fanta's not as good as Welch's), peanut butter and syrup, Little Debbies, and eggs over easy. Most of the things I know about my childhood come from stories you told me - how I amazed you by reading the newspaper when I was four, how I got jealous when the other grandkids sat on your lap instead of me, how I thought the LTD was an automobile but the Vega wasn't...you remembered all those stories and more, and you never complained about telling them to me over and over. I will always treasure all the nights we sat up late playing dominoes when I was a teenager. We didn't even have to talk; we were totally comfortable just being together. You were my Papa, and you loved me, and I loved you, and that was all we needed.
Thank you, Papa Cecil Shatswell, for being my Papa. Thank you for taking the time to make memories with me and be the man I needed you to be in my life. I will miss you forever and always, until we meet again in heaven. I wish God had given me more time with you, but I am so thankful for the time we had. I love you!
Lots of love and prayers,
Meredith Lee
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