One little phone call

Yesterday, one phone message changed everything about my day...so I prayed for guidance. God gave me 2 Corinthians 2:7-8 ~ Now, however, it is time to forgive and comfort him. Otherwise he may be overcome by discouragement. So I urge you now to reaffirm your love for him.

Well, that wasn't ambiguous, at all! It was clear that I had to return that phone call and show forgiveness, love, and comfort. So I kept praying and even argued with God, finally resolving not to let my fear of the pain it would cause keep me from doing what God very clearly told me to do. At the end of the workday, I logged off my computer, closed everything down, prayed some more, and then picked up my cell phone to make the call, my hands shaking and my voice wavering.

"Is this Meredith?"
"Yes, it's me. I was just returning your call." (man, that sounded fake and stupid!)
"Well, it's your daddy. (I called you, remember?! And I hate that you're using that word. I haven't called you that since high school.) I just wanted to call and check in. I lost your number, so that's why I haven't called in a while (you mean my number has been unattainable to you for over 5 years!?!). I called Virginia and got your number so I just wanted to say hello and tell you I haven't forgotten you and I still think about you every day."
(How do I respond to that?!?)

I responded without much emotion, apologized for missing his call earlier in the day, and explained that I had been working.  I asked how he was feeling, knowing that his health has not been good, and he told me how his head always hurts and he can't do anything at all now except sit around the house. He told me he was going to come see me when he came to Stillwater last time, but he just got too tired and his head started hurting. He told me how he came to Stillwater to bring my cousin two beds and some tables, and after driving, unloading those for her, and checking out some things for my uncle, he was just too tired to add seeing me into his day. So he went home, hoping to miss Tulsa rush hour. I agreed that Tulsa rush hour is hectic.  Then the conversation came to an uncomfortable lull, so I thought I would ask about his grandkids, since I know how much he loves them.

"So, I heard that you have some beautiful new grandkids!"
"Yeah, I have, what, two or three at your house? And four adopted ones." (Two or three at my house? Seriously? You don't even know how many kids I have, and yet you have the nerve to say they're your grandkids!?!? They are NOT yours! And I can't believe you don't even know how many kids I have!) "Meredith? How many kids do you have? Is it two, or three?"
"I have three."

He went on to tell me a sweet story about one of my sister's kids, and I laughed and told him how beautiful her kids are while inside my heart was breaking.  He asked about my kids, and I told him a couple of things before he cut me off to start talking about someone named Uncle David. I know he thought I should know who that is, but I don't. It must be his wife's family, and somehow he has forgotten that I have been shut out of his life since I was 7, so naturally I have NO idea who this guy is. But I listened as he talked about Uncle David's health, and how they are looking into putting him into a nursing home, and how they might take him into their own home instead. I felt the bile rising in my throat as he commented that David has a son who lives less than 30 minutes away and who should be taking care of David, but doesn't even talk to his dad. The judgement I heard in my own dad's voice made me sick and angry. The very man who abandoned his own innocent young child is judging another man for abandoning his sick adult father. I wanted to puke.

He wrapped up the conversation with another apology for losing my number and for not calling me sooner. He said something about how he has to check in on me every once in a while, and how he would like to call me more often, if that's OK with me. He told me he loved me.

So, because God was crystal clear with me, I was obedient. I told him he could call me anytime, and I told him I love him. Because I do, though the love is very different now than it was when I was young. Now, I love him with the love that overflows in me from Christ, not with a love of my own. I let that love flow, and I forgave him, again. And if he calls me more, I will continue to love and forgive, because he is my earthly father and that is what God tells me to do. No matter how much it hurts.

After we hung up, I continued my evening, with tears welling up uncontrollably all night. I cried as I took the banking for work, cried in the parking lot until the rising nausea overpowered me and I vomited. I cried as I sat at dinner with my husband. And then, I retreated to my favorite place of refuge, laid down on the floor with music blaring and lights out, and poured my heart and hurt out to my true Father. My Abba, the one who will never leave me and loves me always. I don't know if Fred will call again, or when, but I do know that my Father will be with me either way. And today He has given me Romans 8:39 ~ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.