Happy Father's Day - to my Dad-by-choice

Uncle Shorty/Dad,

I never imagined when I came to live with you as a frightened, hurt, 8-year-old child hiding in my shell that you would come to be the man I now admire as my dad. I still remember the first time you ever spanked me, and how I screamed bloody murder before you even touched me. I still hate frozen peas, by the way. That day, I thought that discipline was abuse, that punishment was always motivated by anger and revenge and a desire to inflict pain, and I was frightened of what that would look like in your home. What you showed me instead changed me forever. You taught me that abuse and discipline are NOT the same thing. You showed me through your actions that true discipline is necessary and is motivated by love and a desire to see your children grow in wisdom and walk the path that God has for them. It took me a long time to learn that, and I’m so thankful that you have loved me and been patient enough to still want me even through my rebellions.

You’ve done so much for me over the years! You worked to provide for my needs when my biological dad chose not to support me financially, even though it meant giving up your plans of building a dream home and retiring comfortably. You opened your home to me again and again, when I made questionable choices and needed a roof over my head. You love my children as your own grandchildren. You got up in the middle of the night to make sure the girls and I made it safely to your house when we were in danger, and never complained that you were the person I called for help. You stand by me and love me when I fail and when I succeed. You always speak the word of God over me and my family. The difference you have made in my life can’t be measured, and I will forever be overwhelmed that you chose to be my Dad through everything.

When I was young, I didn’t really understand the significance of you being a deacon in the church. As an adult, though, I am so honored to say that you are. I got to explain to Morgan what that means, and together we read 1 Timothy 3:8-13: Deacons, likewise, are to be men worthy of respect, sincere, not indulging in much wine, and not pursuing dishonest gain. They must keep hold of the deep truths of the faith with a clear conscience. They must first be tested; and then if there is nothing against them, let them serve as deacons. In the same way, their wives are to be women worthy of respect, not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in everything. A deacon must be the husband of but one wife and must manage his children and his household well. Those who have served well gain an excellent standing and great assurance in their faith in Christ Jesus.

When we finished reading, Morgan immediately said, “Yes. That’s my Papa,” and my heart overflowed with love. You didn’t have to be my dad, or their Papa, or a Godly husband to Aunt Virginia, or a deacon. You chose to be all of those things and more, and for that I love you more than words can say.

Happy Father’s Day!

Meredith

One little phone call

Yesterday, one phone message changed everything about my day...so I prayed for guidance. God gave me 2 Corinthians 2:7-8 ~ Now, however, it is time to forgive and comfort him. Otherwise he may be overcome by discouragement. So I urge you now to reaffirm your love for him.

Well, that wasn't ambiguous, at all! It was clear that I had to return that phone call and show forgiveness, love, and comfort. So I kept praying and even argued with God, finally resolving not to let my fear of the pain it would cause keep me from doing what God very clearly told me to do. At the end of the workday, I logged off my computer, closed everything down, prayed some more, and then picked up my cell phone to make the call, my hands shaking and my voice wavering.

"Is this Meredith?"
"Yes, it's me. I was just returning your call." (man, that sounded fake and stupid!)
"Well, it's your daddy. (I called you, remember?! And I hate that you're using that word. I haven't called you that since high school.) I just wanted to call and check in. I lost your number, so that's why I haven't called in a while (you mean my number has been unattainable to you for over 5 years!?!). I called Virginia and got your number so I just wanted to say hello and tell you I haven't forgotten you and I still think about you every day."
(How do I respond to that?!?)

I responded without much emotion, apologized for missing his call earlier in the day, and explained that I had been working.  I asked how he was feeling, knowing that his health has not been good, and he told me how his head always hurts and he can't do anything at all now except sit around the house. He told me he was going to come see me when he came to Stillwater last time, but he just got too tired and his head started hurting. He told me how he came to Stillwater to bring my cousin two beds and some tables, and after driving, unloading those for her, and checking out some things for my uncle, he was just too tired to add seeing me into his day. So he went home, hoping to miss Tulsa rush hour. I agreed that Tulsa rush hour is hectic.  Then the conversation came to an uncomfortable lull, so I thought I would ask about his grandkids, since I know how much he loves them.

"So, I heard that you have some beautiful new grandkids!"
"Yeah, I have, what, two or three at your house? And four adopted ones." (Two or three at my house? Seriously? You don't even know how many kids I have, and yet you have the nerve to say they're your grandkids!?!? They are NOT yours! And I can't believe you don't even know how many kids I have!) "Meredith? How many kids do you have? Is it two, or three?"
"I have three."

He went on to tell me a sweet story about one of my sister's kids, and I laughed and told him how beautiful her kids are while inside my heart was breaking.  He asked about my kids, and I told him a couple of things before he cut me off to start talking about someone named Uncle David. I know he thought I should know who that is, but I don't. It must be his wife's family, and somehow he has forgotten that I have been shut out of his life since I was 7, so naturally I have NO idea who this guy is. But I listened as he talked about Uncle David's health, and how they are looking into putting him into a nursing home, and how they might take him into their own home instead. I felt the bile rising in my throat as he commented that David has a son who lives less than 30 minutes away and who should be taking care of David, but doesn't even talk to his dad. The judgement I heard in my own dad's voice made me sick and angry. The very man who abandoned his own innocent young child is judging another man for abandoning his sick adult father. I wanted to puke.

He wrapped up the conversation with another apology for losing my number and for not calling me sooner. He said something about how he has to check in on me every once in a while, and how he would like to call me more often, if that's OK with me. He told me he loved me.

So, because God was crystal clear with me, I was obedient. I told him he could call me anytime, and I told him I love him. Because I do, though the love is very different now than it was when I was young. Now, I love him with the love that overflows in me from Christ, not with a love of my own. I let that love flow, and I forgave him, again. And if he calls me more, I will continue to love and forgive, because he is my earthly father and that is what God tells me to do. No matter how much it hurts.

After we hung up, I continued my evening, with tears welling up uncontrollably all night. I cried as I took the banking for work, cried in the parking lot until the rising nausea overpowered me and I vomited. I cried as I sat at dinner with my husband. And then, I retreated to my favorite place of refuge, laid down on the floor with music blaring and lights out, and poured my heart and hurt out to my true Father. My Abba, the one who will never leave me and loves me always. I don't know if Fred will call again, or when, but I do know that my Father will be with me either way. And today He has given me Romans 8:39 ~ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Happy Mother's Day - to my mom-by-choice

Dear Aunt Virginia/Mom,

Even though I don't always call you mom, that's the place you will always hold in my heart. Words will never be enough to express how much love, joy, and hope fills my heart whenever I think of you.

I love you for choosing me, over and over. There are so many times in my life when you could have walked away - when my dad kept me from you, when I shut you out and pushed you away as you welcomed me into your home, when I rebelled and ran away, when I got pregnant...and instead, you chose to love me, to comfort me, to help me, to accept me as your own. You have been a beautiful example for me of what Christ is - loving, accepting, and forgiving, while still holding firm to what is right and true and never being afraid to correct me in love.

The way you love Uncle Shorty is inspiring. You are patient with him and devoted to him, and your marriage makes me even more determined to nurture and grow my own. When the two of you talk about your life together, you remind me that marriage is not just about love, or convenience, or what feels good, but instead it is God taking two individual people and molding them into one. It's not always easy and it can be painful, but it is more beautiful and powerful than any of us could ever be alone.

I love the way you love my kids, the way you share our family tree and stories of times I never knew with them. You have given them a grandma, and you have been the best grandma I ever could have hoped for them. You have given them a legacy, and you make sure they know where they've come from and guide them to make smart, Godly choices as they grow into what they will become. You support and encourage them. Their hearts are filled with love at the very mention of your name.

Above all else, I love you for your quiet determination and devotion to Christ.
A good woman is hard to find,
and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve,
and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously
all her life long.
She shops around for the best yarns and cottons,
and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She's like a trading ship that sails to faraway places
and brings back exotic surprises.
She's up before dawn, preparing breakfast
for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it,
then, with money she's put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work,
rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work,
is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She's skilled in the crafts of home and hearth,
diligent in homemaking.
She's quick to assist anyone in need,
reaches out to help the poor.
She doesn't worry about her family when it snows;
their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing,
and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
Her husband is greatly respected
when he deliberates with the city fathers.
She designs gowns and sells them,
brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant,
and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,
and she always says it kindly.
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,
and keeps them all busy and productive.
Her children respect and bless her;
her husband joins in with words of praise:
"Many women have done wonderful things,
but you've outclassed them all!"
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
The woman to be admired and praised
is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserves!
Festoon her life with praises! Proverbs 31:10-31, MSG


You truly are a Proverbs 31 woman, and I love you. Happy Mother's Day!
Love,
Meredith

Time for some PRAISES!!!!

GOD IS GOOD!! My heart has been heavy for weeks with pain for others.  In my last post, I shared a few of those burdens and asked you to join me in prayer, and I want to say a huge thank you to all of you who have been seeking God on behalf of my friends.  Your prayers are giving strength, comfort, and peace to many hurting hearts.  I do have updates on a couple of people from my last post, and I also want to take some time out of our busy, stressful lives to celebrate some awesome and praise-worthy things that fill my heavy heart with joy right now.  In the midst of all the neediness and pain, our God is good and is working, always, for the good of those who love Him, and He deserves to be exalted!

"C" and "D" from my last post are still seeking God with all their hearts and putting Him first in their marriage.  Their financial situation is improving and their family is thriving in ways that it never has before. Praise God for his restorative power!!

"E" from my last post is still in the midst of a custody battle with her abusive ex-husband, and is also searching for work.  Our God is providing for her needs and the needs of her children, and the first court hearing resulted in some very positive and reaffirming steps that make it clear that the judge is working to ensure that the children continue to be safe and protected.  Praise God for his provision and protection!!

Another friend, "J", is moving out of state and is seeing God work in amazing ways in her life.  She is starting a new ministry job where she has the opportunity to reach thousands in a new city, changing lives for Him in ways we can only imagine. Praise God for his divine plans for our lives!!

"K" has a micro-preemie who is thriving and growing, at home with his healthy family, and is no longer on oxygen support!  Their story is an inspiration to many fighting the same battle.  Praise God for miracles and his divine healing power!!

"L" and "M" are adopting two children from Haiti and watching God step in and overcome every obstacle that arises along the way.  Praise God for his favor and financial provisions!!

"N" has returned safely from the war in Afghanistan.  Praise God for his supernatural protection!!

"O" is pregnant and healthy after a long season of waiting.  Praise God for his perfect timing!!

I'm so glad our God is good!!

Wanted: Your prayers. REWARD!!

OK, so here's the deal. I know it's unorthodox and bordering on bribery to offer a reward for prayers, but that's exactly what I'm doing. God has placed it on my heart to start an online prayer meeting - right here, right now. I believe that prayer is powerful and alive, and that the prayers of God's people can work miracles in the lives of those being prayed for as well as those doing the praying. When I was little, my Grandma used to take me to church with her, and I will never forget the overwhelming presence of God I felt when it was prayer time. It wasn't like prayer time at my church, where the person in charge would lead the prayer as we all sat in silence, heads bowed, eyes closed. At Grandma's church, prayer was ALIVE. Everyone prayed at the same time, out loud, some softly and some very loudly, all different prayers and all different postures of worship - there were people kneeling, people with arms raised to heaven, eyes open, eyes closed, heads bowed and heads lifted, eyes filled with tears and eyes filled with joy, some closed and some open. It was wild, it was fierce, it was overwhelming, and it was powerful. Seeing prayer in that way helped me understand that there are many ways to pray and that when we sincerely lay our requests at the feet of our Lord, anything can happen.

So today, I call you to pray with me. Let's have an old-fashioned Pentecostal prayer meeting (how cool is it that we can do this online?!?). Let's gather together as one and lay these needs at His feet, asking Him to intervene and bring peace, hope, life, and health to those who need him so desperately. Your participation will earn you rewards greater than anything I can give you, but I'm throwing in a little something as well. Comment on this blog with your prayer - not a statement that you will pray or are praying, but your actual prayer - and you're entered to win a $50 gift card from Freddie Paul's. Share the link to this blog with your friends on Facebook or Twitter and tell them to mention you in their comment, and you'll earn an extra entry. As we get more prayers, I'll add more rewards to be announced when I do the random drawing tomorrow night (Saturday, 2/18) at 10pm. Here are the people I'm asking you to lift up, not identified by names but instead by letters and needs:

"A" needs prayer for patience, comfort, and strength as she cares for her husband whose Alzheimer's is worsening and making it difficult for her to care for him alone. She has multiple health issues herself and his disease is causing him to be very short-tempered, confused, and angry.

"B" just lost her 4-month-old baby to meningitis. Please pray that God will fill her with peace and comfort her broken heart as well as the hearts of her other children and fiance.

"C" and "D" are working to repair their broken marriage and their struggling financial situation. Pray that God will bless their faithfulness to their marriage and strengthen the bonds that hold them together, and that He will continue to provide for their financial needs.

"E" is in the midst of a custody battle with an abusive ex-husband. Please pray for the safety of her children and for wisdom for the judge who has to make some very tough decisions.

"F" has family members who regularly make it known that they reject Christ and his gift of salvation. Please pray with him that their hearts and minds can be opened to the joy he so desperately wants them to find.

"G" is grieving the loss of a close family member while struggling with depression, physical pain, anxiety attacks, and severe insomnia. Pray for healing in every way, physically and emotionally.

"H" was recently diagnosed with an unexplained enlarged lymph node as well as depression and is having daily tension headaches that are leading to frequent migraines. Please ask God to heal the unexplained medical issue and provide peace, strength, and joy as the depression medication begins to work.

"I" has invasive melanoma and had her second surgery today to remove it. It was deeper than they originally thought, so today's surgery also involved a skin graft. Please pray for her recovery.

Lord, today I lift each of these requests up to you. Every single one of them is for someone I love dearly, and yet I know that your love for them is greater than mine can ever be. Please bring healing, comfort, restoration, and joy to these friends who are hurting, and please also bless this prayer meeting you have called me to start. Please let those reading this post feel your presence and your power. Please break our hearts for the needs of others and lead us to surrender our own struggles into your hands. You are the One who can meet all our needs, our Provider, our Strength, our Comforter, our Everlasting Father, and we can do nothing without you. Thank you for giving us the technology to gather together even as we are in different places physically! Thank you for hearing our prayers and joining us all as one body, seeking you. We love you!

James 5:16 The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.

No Longer Two

Six years ago today, I was giddy with excitement for our secret wedding. All morning at work, I giggled to myself every time someone mentioned that I was leaving at noon, knowing that they had no idea where I was really going. When I picked up the kids, they were excited too, and the drive to Tulsa was full of anticipation for all of us. KayLynn loved holding the bouquet your mom brought, Aaron loved his blue spiky hair, and Morgan loved the excitement of it all. I was so glad you didn't think it was silly for Jenn to attend by cell phone! So many preparations had led us to that day, and everything worked out just as we had planned. My heart was overflowing when we got to Aunt Virginia's to drop off the kids and she had surprised us with a cake that was a smaller version of the one she made for my mom & dad's wedding - to this day I still have never had a wedding cake that tasted as good as that one! What an amazing Friday that was!

Six years ago today, we were celebrating our wedding. Today, though, we celebrate our marriage. The good and the bad times, the highs and the lows, and the beautiful, rich relationship that has developed through it all. When I look back at the person I was, and at the person you were, and then I look at the person we are becoming together, I am overwhelmed and in awe of the sheer magnitude of God's power. Because we have chosen to let Him lead our marriage, we are no longer two - we are becoming one.

“But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Mark 10:6-9

You truly are my other half - my partner, my friend, my lover, my spiritual leader.  What we are together is more beautiful, more wonderful, more amazing than either of us could ever be alone. I love you more today than I did six years ago, and I can't wait to see how much more I love you next year. :-)  Happy anniversary, baby!

Depression is a demon

Yesterday, a dear friend sent me a link to a sermon on depression, and I finally got a chance to listen to it today. Let me just say – thank you, Lord, for my friends!! I’ve heard sermons on depression before, and they generally aren’t helpful. While the intent is usually to convey an uplifting, encouraging “Jesus can fix it” message, they take a wrong turn somewhere and end up making it seem as if I’m only depressed because I’ve done something to screw up my closeness with God, which then leads to guilt and shame, which leads to more depression….it’s a nasty cycle. This sermon, though, was different. A few minutes in, Steven Furtick said one sentence that made all the difference in the world and brought tears to my eyes:

“Sin can cause depression, but depression doesn’t mean that you’ve necessarily sinned.”

Now, if you’ve never been depressed, OR if you’ve never sought solace in the church world for depression, this might not be a profound statement. But, for me, it was HUGE. Depression is something I’ve struggled with my whole life, and I’ve always felt guilt and shame about that struggle. Every time depression really gets a hold on me, I feel like it’s my fault – and many, many fellow believers have said things to reinforce that belief. Don’t get me wrong, none of them even realizes what’s happening, and every statement is from a place of love and meant to be encouraging, just like every sermon on depression. Unfortunately, depression is a demon that can take anything someone says to you and twist it into something ugly and discouraging. Depression can take your statement that God is bigger than my problem and turn it into an assertion that I must not trust Him enough, so if I could just have more faith, I wouldn’t feel this way. It can take your suggestions for relaxation and stress management and turn them into criticism about how I don’t manage my stress well enough and therefore, the depression is my own fault. It can take your offers to do things for me as hints that I’m not good enough to do things myself and the world would be better off without me. Depression is toxic.

Pastor Furtick went on to say that while only God can heal depression, he can use man-made tools in the process – another idea that’s completely contrary to the inherent belief that Christ-followers should have enough faith and fortitude to conquer this demon within themselves. I’ve realized for a while now that medical intervention is probably something I need to consider; I’ve been depressed enough in my life to realize that I’m past the point where I can just suck it up and fake my way out. But there are obstacles standing n the way of that, and that sneaky demon has convinced me that those obstacles are signs that I just don’t have enough faith, or I just don’t pray enough, or I just don’t spend enough time in the Word, or that I’m not quite depressed enough to seek help, or that it’s my own fault I’m at this point and I don’t deserve help to get out. I need to stop believing that lie, and I need to use every tool available to fight off this toxicity. So, yet again, I’m asking for your help. Pray, please, that God will give me the courage to push through those obstacles, and the means to get the help I need.

The faithful love of the LORD never ends. His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. Lamentations 3:22-23

To listen to the sermon “Depression: A New 24" from the "Treatment" series: http://elevat.io/n/trea2